Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Brian knots up an eclectic striper of midnight and deep lilac this evening.  The last visitors slowly wandered away, each one more kind and sincere than the last.  She was exhausted.  As her priest approached for a final word, she saw someone else emerge from the periphery.  Young, dressed almost...cacophanously in black leather riding gear, the young woman walked to the front of the chapel, a streak of purple luminous in her hair. She laid her arms over the closed casket as if in an embrace, and dropped a small bouquet. She left as quickly as she appeared.  When the priest retrieved the nosegay, he found it was of rosemary and lavender.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

...And After I'd Been So Good This Year!

SPT.  Honestly, this hideous thing...!  And after all those torpid, banal blue-and-white bores. I'm at the point where I'd celebrate an Orville Redenbacher-esque bowtie...almost.

(I know.  Be careful What We Wish For.)

Monday, December 19, 2011


It has been a neverending Rhapsody In Blue (And White Stripes of one sort or another) for Brian Williams lately, and I am sodden with a Blue Period of my own as a result.  Tonight is yet another in this seemingly Perpetual Parade Of Blueness And Stripeness, this one an offering of narrow stripes alternating a smoky blue and white.  Oh, good! Is this review done now? Yes. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


SPT.  I swear, I am going to click over to that petition drive site on the Interwebs and start one for Getting Rid Of This Tie. Who's with me?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Summertime Sweet

Brian, ever embracing his Purpleness, knots up a tribute to it with tonight's cravat selection of slender stripes in lilac and deep plum. It reminds me of summer nights as a child when my mother would get out the vanilla ice cream and allow us to choose a flavour of soda for our dessert float. I would often choose by colour, hoping to have the prettiest-looking treat.  On nights that I chose grape, I would have a lovely, swirly concoction of purple and lavender, white and bubbly crystal-clear as Mom expertly poured Grape Crush over two small scoops of vanilla in my glass and stirred until the foam rose just above the rim.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Pop Art

This bold, copperwine cravat is very artsy and graphically-inspired, with its Lichtenstein-esque lines and small grey circlets outlined in black. I would buy it for an Andy Warhol fan, along with a nice fruit basket, but only if it were one of Roy's fruit baskets.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

It's All In Black And White

Brian's narrow stripes of jet and pearl are cool and elegant this evening.  Looking down from his office windows, he sees black branches against the wintry sky.  From here, it's impossible to see the street, let alone the crowds of people as they move along with the business of their lives. Here, he can only see black and white, like the numbers he manipulates on the screen and pages in front of him; like the equations of his relationships, and he doesn't really see those, either.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

An Afternoon Visit

This evening's cravat is a textural treat of muted navy stripes alternating with faux ropes of creamy gold.  He detested these sorts of Command Performances, and at his age.  What was the point, besides placating the Old Treasure Chest as he now called her.  He got all dressed up on a Sunday when he'd rather be home in his sweats, and was ushered in to a room that looked like a museum:  huge draperies dripping in bullion fringe, and enough scrollwork to make any housemaid weep.  And the oils!  Who were these staring, hollow-cheeked people anyway? And why was one so distinctly behind the hulking mahogany secretary?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Sir Brian

Brian reaches far back into his Collection to retrieve a stripe of silver and cardinal red this evening.  Bold and cavalier, it also manages to convey some traditionalism. It is a knightly tie, evocative of polished breastplates and brilliant flags streaming behind gallant steeds. A lance is raised, a visor lowered, and blood will stain the field.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Our Star Works A Surprise Day-After-A-Holiday Shift, Yet Fails Us In His Cravat Selection By Wearing A Fashion Turkey, As It Were

SPT. Thankfully, not the egregious one; this one was a deep, rich plumwine. As you all know, however, we here at The Report don't discriminate and cannot relent. Any SPT falls under the Axis Of Evil.

That's just How It Is.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

To Sleep--Perchance To Dream...

A somber and elegant cravat of charcoal with widely spaced stripes of smoky plum is worn by Brian Williams tonight.  It is a turbulent Sleep which visits her that night, discomfiting and troubled.  As he draws her into the purple curtains of a deep and darkened dream, she hears again the horses' hooves striking the asphalt and the rolling wheels of the caisson in a neverending dirge.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Dark Secret

It's the serious stripes for Brian Williams this evening, a cravat of deep periwinkle and ebony diagonals.  It is rather moody, like deepening twilight in a heavy paneled study.  As the melancholy tones of a bell announce an evening visitor, he sighs and places his reading glasses atop the small darkwood table.  Her sorrow will not improve the chill of the room, he muses.  Still, she has every right to be here and every reason to ask her questions. But he knows the answers will only serve to ruin them both.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Brian Has Really Pushed My Buttons This Week Already

So, it's going to be one of those weeks, cravatically speaking, is it? A week like when you take the time to pack a nice lunch in your bento-boxy thing, then leave it on the hood of your car because your cell phone starts to slip out of your pocket, and then you accidentally push the button on your key fob with your elbow and set off the car alarm, so you have to take care of that, which is why you had to buy lunch today along with a new bento-boxy thing.  It's only Tuesday, but that awful leering thistle and blaring blue striped silk hot on the heels of an SPT is...ominous.  And exasperating, really. And sad. Just...sad.

Monday, November 14, 2011


SPT. Perhaps to punish me for my week away. Such a snit is unbecoming avec n'importe quelle cravate, mon cherie.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Power Struggle

Brian has been shopping, and tonight he wears a tie of lampblack with widely staggered brilliant blue stripes.  The pilot announces their imminent landing at Dulles, and she tiredly slips her feet into her high heels.  It won't be a pleasant meeting with the Senator, and she tries to remember the last time it was.  At least Alphonse, the driver, will have her coffee waiting, as he always does, and a reassuring smile.  She glances out at the lights on the runway, so colorful against the darkness of the early morning and the asphalt, and thinks momentarily of fireworks.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Making A Difference: Brian Williams Keeps His Ties This Time (Too Bad There Wasn't A Purple Theme)

Before I return to regularly scheduled programming here at The Report, allow me to once again turn to matters of more substance.  As you may recall, last year I was pleased to bring you news of Joan's Legacy: Uniting Against Lung Cancer and its annual benefit.  This worthy cause was founded to honor the life of Joan Scarangello, a writer at NBC News, who fell victim to lung cancer in 2001 despite never having smoked in her 47 years.  In 2010 Brian Williams donated an auction lot of six autographed ties which ended up selling for about $5000.

(That's a lot of money for ties, especially for the Hermes with the penguins on it. And to think I described it as a faux paisley print--11 February 2010...sigh. Pre-HD, though.)

But it's nowhere near what is needed to combat the Number 1 Cancer Killer in the United States.  This scourge is the world's deadliest cancer; an estimated 157,000 Americans are estimated to die from lung cancer this year - more than colon, breast, and pancreatic cancers combined.

More than 220,000 Americans will be diagnosed with lung cancer this year, but only 16% of lung cancer is being diagnosed at its earliest and most curable stage.  Like Joan, sadly, many of its victims are misdiagnosed and the cancer is too far advanced to effect a cure. 

That's why aggressive research and awareness are so desperately necessary. 

To that end, Joan's Legacy: Uniting Against Lung Cancer announces its Strolling Supper with Blues and News, hosted by Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw.  Another silent auction will be held and, while there will be no ties, the slate of offerings is impressive.  It includes:

*Hanging out on-set at The Big Bang Theory, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report
*Autographed memorabilia from Lady Gaga and Santonio Holmes
*Vacations at Costa Rica, Cancun, and Cape Cod
*Designer wares by Coach, Kate Spade, Michael Kors, and Betsey Johnson
*A Longer Shelf Life:  Your name as a character in a future Sue Grafton novel
               AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

This year, there is also online bidding--it begins November 9th.  Click here to go and see all the items and reserve prices.  That way, you don't have to go to New York; you can just sit at home in your tasteful jammies, pour a glass of Chardonnay, and click till you score your objet de désir. 

The Report is honored and proud to use its powers for the Greater Good, even in this small, small way.  For even more information, and a chance for a little bit more of BriWi--you'll recognize the tie, an old favourite of his--you can watch this short viddy:

Thank you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Was It Bring Your Little Daughter To Work Night At The Nightly For The Wardrobe Dept?

SPT. And, The Report must take a moment to comment on the cravat of reporter Mike Taibbi, which was startlingly garish in all its Barbie pinkness.  When the two ties were across from each other, it was like a glimpse down the Dora the Explorer aisle at Toys-BackwardsR-Us. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

For Whom The Tie Polls

Tonight's cravat is a very textured striper of true blue and stormcloud.  It looks tweedy and almost sweaterish.  This tie is the herringbone jacket with elbow patches, worn by Hemingway-esque professors who, in deference to the No Smoking regulations, cradle the bowls of their cold pipes in one hand as they gesture with the stem to illustrate their point. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Is It A Tie Or A Craft Project/Halloween Costume/Project Runway Challenge?

Tonight, Brian's tie is so complex and intricate that I almost had to make a small diagram in order to explicate it.  (Thanks a lot, HDTV.) Brilliant summersky blue is overlaid by broad bands of black meshwork, then further interrupted by platinum stripes shot through with narrow ribbons of lavender.  This cravat was, in a word, worky. And all over the place. It had too much going on. It reminds me of those Saloon Girl Outfits, you know? Those things have satin and lace and ruffles and lacings and corseting and decolletage and a peplum and a bustle and fishnet stockings and short boots and holy crap, it's like the dressmaker discovered margaritas and velcro in the same night, you know?

Monday, October 17, 2011

In Which I Postulate A Possible Origin For Brian's Repeat Cycles (But Never Excuse Them)

This evening's cravat is a violet blue field crossed by mulberry stripes which bear an intarsia rope pattern.  I am reminded of a peculiar run of Christmases wherein my mother, for some unknown reason, was on a Repeat Cycle of her own.  For about five years in a row, I received a purple cableknit sweater.  Not the same one, but a Variation On The Theme.  If my mother is locked in some sort of Vulcan Mind Meld with Brian Williams, we are all in serious trouble.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Where Has This Tie Been? BriWi Finds A Hidden Style Stash

Brian Williams finds a secret door in his Armoire de Cravates and from it draws tonight's stylish striped offering.  Rich plumwine alternates with creamy ivory, the latter pinstriped by carnation pink.  The whole effect is part confectionery, part la mode de Louis XV, part "Let's sneak out of the reception early and go to the wine bar for the new Beaujolais tasting."   

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And It Looked Even Tackier And Shinier Tonight, If That Is Possible

SPT. And just like that, our hopes are completely and devastatingly dashed. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Report Breathes A Sigh Of Relief

Mr. Williams steps up his fashion game profoundly from last night with this cravat of a smokey, pale indigo upon which are scattered tiny ebony windowframes with white centres. Quietly confident; it speaks in modulated tones, but is always heard and respected.  It is the perfect combination of brains and beauty.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Brian Williams Has A Shopping Fantasy

"Yes, good afternoon, Miss. I'm looking for a tie that...well, just a tie. I don't want it to be too noticeable, too...fashionable.  I'm a Serious Newsman, and what I'm wearing isn't the point.  It just isn't what's important. With so much going on in the world, people need to--yes, like that one.  Just dark blue with...what are those stripes, red?  Kind  Orangey, sort of?  Whatever.  On camera, those double pinstripes will read red anyway.  A nice blue tie with red stripes.  That's what I'm talkin' about. A tie that no one can care about."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Two Parts Vodka, One Part Dry Vermouth, A Splash Of Olive Brine, And A Bleu Cheese Stuffed Olive In A Chilled Glass, S'Il Vous Plait

SPT.  I suppose we should have known, since its Harbinger, the Jet and Gold Bling Stripe, appeared yesterday.  It appears that October's Cycle Répété has begun. (And so has the Report's cycle de thérapie d'alcool.)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

It's Like What Would Happen If She-Ra Got Trapped In The Tents At Fashion Week

Brian Williams continues to punish Nightly viewers by raiding his armoire d'atrocités and knotting up the raw silk cravat of orchid with pulsating ultramarine blue stripes.  It's what Jeremy Scott would send down the runway, and his models, sent to the makeup artists for a "blurred frosty-neon sort of Futuristic She-goddess Superhero Eye" would definitely slink the catwalk sporting these.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Brian Finally Mixes It Up

Brian Williams breaks The Cycle Of Despair for us viewers of The Nightly after Savannah helps him reset by sitting in on Friday.  Tonight, he dons a cravat from his Old Faithful collection, a striper of deep suitcoat navy crossed with blush pink diagonals.  This tie is an old-timey scene at a grade-school mixer.  All the boys wear their Sunday suits, their hair is parted razor sharp and the comb marks show in their dampened hair.  They line the gym along one side of the basketball court, staring at the little ringleted girls who look like puff pastries, cupcakes, and cotton candy in pastel clusters on the other side.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Yes! Yes! Yes We Do! We've Got An Audaciously Fulgent Tie; How About You?

Oh, my. Certainly, we all are properly chastened ("Be careful what you wish for"; "Better the devil you know" yadda yadda yadda) for our carping about Le Cycle Répété in the previous Special Report.   (Which some of you charmingly rated, by the way.)  For tonight, Brian Williams shut our collective traps by daring to knot up a striped tie of screaming tangerine and blaring blue.  Wasn't it...peppy?  Indeed, it looked like something male cheerleaders from the fifties might wear on the sidelines at a college football game along with white flannel trousers, snappily creased and cuffed above white bucks.  They would have jaunty knit vests in that brassy blue (for home games) worn over their crisp Oxford shirts; the vivid Valencia orange for away.  And, to bring it all together, That Tie, knotted precisely and proudly with The Maximum School Spirit.  Go Team!

Special Report: Whether Buffalo Springfield or Hamlet Said It Best, Either Way, Something's Up

In an Unprecedented Step aside from our usual commentary on the semi-nightly critique of Brian Williams' cravats, we here at The Report must make take sad and pointed note of the recent shocking Sartorial Trend unfolding before our eyes.  Before we comment further, a brief recap is in order:

Wednesday, 28 Sept.:  SPT.
Tuesday, 27 Sept.:  Jet and Gold Bling Stripe
Monday, 26 Sept.:  SPT.
Friday, 23 Sept.: Jet and Gold Bling Stripe
Thursday, 22 Sept: SPT.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?  Is Brian camping out at The Nightly?  Did Mrs. Williams change the locks?  Has Someone lost his subscription to Men's Vogue? 

I feel our concern is justified.  Brian Williams, contact me here at The Report.  I stand ready to assist you in any way I can.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


SPT. How worrisome.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Il Restera Tacite

SPT. I simply will not discuss it.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

So I'm Gone Two Days, And This Is What I Come Back To?

SPT.  Iced lilac, yes, but Solid Purple. It counts. (And in September, really. Why are we even talking about this?)

Monday, September 19, 2011

At The Opera

This evening's striped tie is one of blush and ebony diagonals.  As the conductor raises his baton and bows are made ready, the rustle of silk heralds her arrival in the box.  Every tuxedoed man arises slightly; every gowned woman nods.  She smiles and apologetically shrugs out of her wrap and pats her coif unconsciously with an opera-gloved hand bedecked with a ruby and gold wristlet.  One man, holding the empty chair next to him, bends low and whispers in her ear, brushes his lips against her bare neck.  Her eyelids flutter downward as her cheeks color charmingly. She takes her seat with a smile.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dear Bobby Sherman (Or David Cassidy Or Fill In Name Of Tiger Beat Hero Here)

Navy and stripes, navy and stripes. What would dear Brian do without them? This evening they appear in an orchid and midnight iteration, like a Seventies tween's smudgy bit of fan mail written on some Spencer Gift stationery with a blotchy Flair pen.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

In Which We Are Suitably Terrorized By This Tie--See What I Did There?

Tonight, BriWi slings on a dubious cravat of sedate navy assailed by blaring tangerine stripes.  It is as if a hunter or highway worker went mad one night and used their signature colour--via spray can or brush--to vandalize every available surface, painting swaths of orange to forbid, to warn, to alarm us all.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Will Someone Please Steal This Tie?

SPT.  Really, it's already in the Axis Of Evil. I've created a new *Acronym for its...manifestation.  I don't know what else I can do to express my Profound Dismay at this...this...UnTie.

*WDBTK--What Dwells Below The Knot

Monday, September 12, 2011

Mid-September, And I Struggle Mightily With Cravat Ennui

Brian knots up a cravat of rich mahogany with a peach-coloured petit-point pattern.  Finally, the storm abated and the clouds pushed back.  She helped her daughter shove her little feet into her wellies and together, they ran into the orchard to look.  The ground under their feet was a vast expanse of mud and blossoms.  Rivulets of rainwater ran in ruts and stood in pools and the trees, some broken and bowed, looked like penitents in a cold cathedral.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Deep, suitcoat navy crossed with brassy Tabasco stripes is Brian's welcome to September tonight.  All I could think of was being a little girl on East 38th Street again and hanging out with the tomboy Lisa across the street. One of our favorite summertime do-nothing games was to see how long we could stare directly into the sun before we began to tear up.  Then we'd look at the street, still seeing the pulsing circle of the sun in its dim asphalt face.  After a few minutes of this, we'd get dizzy, go to my house, and Mom would pour us some KoolAid and shoo us out onto the shady front yard.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

August Farewell

Smoky cornflower blue and pristine white stripes--fashionably narrow ones--are our Tie Fare tonight.  Lovely and summery and a fitting way to close out August, don't you think?  This cravat is like standing against the rails of the boardwalk and looking out over the water with its canopy of hazy sky and lacy wisps.  Now and then a small freshening breath of the sea, then another wink of the sun, and the waves sigh and grasp the sand.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Oh, My Dear. Must We?

SPT. And horrifying, as usual, thanks to *WDBTK.  (What on Earth is that Thing, anyway?)

*What Dwells Below The Knot

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Night Magic

Soft pink and ebony are the narrow stripes on tonight's tie as Brian Williams narrates an uncharacteristic Nightly News broadcast this evening.  The thunder's rumbling basso woke her from a labored sleep.  The night was moonless, and the wind swept the rain against her windows, scattering apple blossoms against the dark panes in a careless pattern of stormy grace.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

In Which Brian Makes Me Work On The Weekend, Yet Wears An Uninspiring Cravat. How Dare He?

Firmly entrenched behind his Command Central Nightly Newspost, Brian Williams is dapper in his reassuringly snappy tie of navy blue and white stripes.  It is Weekend Elegant, yet Military Precise, like dress blues and white gloves at a State Dinner.  As he telezips along the coast, checking in with on-site Hurricane Irene reporters, one gets the feeling that he was called away from champagne and foie gras, and that perhaps a chilly flute is bubbling away below the Desk.

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Demise of La Chemise Enorme

C'est possible!  Brian Williams can wear a shirt that fits! Live at the shores of his beloved New Jersey, BDub finally sports a chambray shirt that isn't flapping around like an errant seabird. August has not been Lost.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mystery At Midnight

It is a stripe of midnight and May French lilac tonight.  The sirens intensify as a car screams up to the hotel.  Its doors fly open like wings and men rush out.  One man, fedora askew, black trenchcoat billowing behind, pushes past the doorman, brandishing his badge.  He mounts the stairs by threes and bursts into the room; his practiced eye immediately takes in every detail.  A small window over the fire escape stands open, its cheap chintz curtains stirring.  On the floor, amid the puddled black satin of her dressing gown, is a single perfect orchid.  He looks more closely and sees her marcasite hatpin a few feet away.  On its point gathers a ruby drop. 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

SPT. It was dire, but not devastating, until the Nightly cameraperson pulled back for the wide shot. And then that horrific rumple/divot/crease creature loomed again. What Dwells Below The Knot...! Ugh.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I Hear The Axis Of Evil Calling In This Historical Moment

Talk about your Double Dip Recessions. Brian Williams' fashion stock hits an All-Time Low tonight as he heedlessly slings on Wednesday's (10 August) disastrous cravat of obnoxious orchid raw silk with obstreperously blue stripes. The Report has no choice but to downgrade BriWi to AA status until he demonstrates that he can overcome this sartorial passive-aggressiveness and put together a stable style plan that move us forward.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

And...We're Back (Because August Was Getting Away From Us)

Oh, Dear Report Readers. If we wait until we are sufficiently moved by Brian's Neckwear to return to commentary, we will wait pour l'infinité.  Truly, it has been An Endless Parade--or barrage, take your pick--of pedestrian ties, of lacklustre ties, of wince-worthy ties.  Tonight's...urk.  Not that the fabric (which looks to be raw silk) isn't acceptable.  But that noisome orchid!  That leering ultramarine blue stripe!  Must they be so...intrusive?  It's like dining in a fairly nice restaurant but having one of those impossibly bouncy servers who simply cannot stop insinuating themselves into your meal. He or she kneels next to your chair or table, asks "Isn't that totally awesome, right?" as soon as you take a bite of your appetizer, and pretty much makes you feel as if you have to pay for his college, too, or at least send him a card for his birthday.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Salvaging July

Brian Williams seems repentant for la Tragédie de Juillet, for tonight he wears a lovely tie of frosted purple scattered with small black circlets for our enjoyment. Like peering into the bloom of an African violet, it has depth and elegance, yet somehow manages to be amiable and pleasant.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Reporting from Washington, D.C., Brian is looking urbane and debonair in a cravat of distinction.  This tie, a chocolate silk studded with pale, petite dots in a grid pattern looks very, very GQ.  She looks across the breakfast room where almost no one is seated.  It is a sea of ivory damask tablecloths and gleaming flatware.  At a small two-top he sits, a French press in front of him along with a basket of croissant et petit baguette.  He checks his watch briskly and raises the cup to his lips as he scans the room.  As he sees her, he raises his eyebrows inquiringly.  Squaring her shoulders with a resolve she does not truly feel, she crosses to the table.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

We've Been Waiting For This Tie, My Darlings!

Today Is The Day, Report readers! Brian Williams has broken his longstanding ban and has knotted up a Paisley Tie(Yes, it was a petite rendition of the pattern, but certainly the colours were anything but understated.)  Bold cerise and white shapes on a field of periwinkle, this cravat made a statement.  "I am worthy of more than an Endless Parade Of Purple," it affirmed.  "There is more to life than the Diagonal Stripe," it declared.  "Perhaps orange is not the best colour for one's skin tone after all!" it conceded.  A chatty little tie, this, like the niece at a family party who just got her first post-graduate job with a really good salary and a title.  Put a cocktail in her hand, but don't stand there for long.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Even His Collar Was Askew

SPTQuelle horreur.

Monday, July 18, 2011

It Is A Conundrum

Ah, it is a love affair that Brian Williams has with his stripes, is it not?  Tonight the affair continues with an onyx and pearl silk striper beautifully knotted.  Too graphic to be romantic, too bold to be subtle, this cravat is like the nouveau riche of the 1920s Gilded Age who could afford the Society but never truly be a part of It. 

Friday, July 15, 2011

When Is A Pie Not A Pie? (When It's This Tie, But There Is Another Answer, Too!)

This tasty cravat is so richly textured.  The mahogany field is striped with bundles of thin gold bands as if bangle bracelets slid down the arm of a bronzed island beauty. Exotic, no?  Yet all I could think of as I watched was this

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Ceci Est Très Sérieux

SPT.  I realize that there were a few different ties between 7/8 and 7/13, but they were sufficiently unremarkable that I, wrapped in Cravat Ennui, simply could not report on them.  Can any among you deny that we are in a Run O' The Purples?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I...Cannot...Go On

SPT.  In an unprecedented Repeat Cycle of Catastrophic Proportion, Brian Williams has a Back-to-Back Repeat Tie, and it is an Axis Of Evil Reprise.  I...I...I...please send chocolates directly to my Fainting Couch.  Je suis très tragique.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

As Seen On TV

SPT.  Brian needs this.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Yowza! Getta Load Of That Tie!

Oh boy! Brian is back with this super-duper stripey tie of blazing blue and blaring yellow stripes as wide as a kid's grin on the last day of school.  This tie looks like part of a costume, perhaps for one of those amusement park barbershop quartets that keeps you entertained while you stand in interminably long lines. Or worn by an old-timey popcorn or ice cream shoppe counterman who wears one of those odd, boat-shaped paper hats and long, low-bibbed aprons, tossing and twirling the implements of his trade to the delight of his customers.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Heavy Sigh.

SPT.  Again, an impeccable knot is wasted on This Tie.

Monday, June 27, 2011

We Are Not To Be Disturbed

Mr. Williams knots up a debonair tie this evening of muted gold crossed with the narrowest of onyx and pearl stripes.  It is quite fine, yet startlingly familiar.  If there were such a thing as Royal Bed-Ticking, this would be it, and one can imagine the earliest Personages of Divine Right resting their Regal Weariness upon fabric such as this.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Tonight's tie is the companion to last night's cravat; the template is identical.  These ebony stripes alternate with a pale indigo, however, and the result is less dramatic.  This cravat is the deepening blanket of evening in late October as a chill cools the air, and the musing of a lone French horn as it murmurs the melody.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Dark Side

It's a bold striped cravat for Brian Williams this evening, one of strong lilac and black.  This tie is dark and mysterious, almost sinister in its colouration. There is the deep-throated voice of the bassoon and the mournful moan of the double bass thrumming a warning in the background.  These are the colours of warlocks and nightshades, and the fearsome Maleficent, who haunts the dreams of small ones everywhere.

Monday, June 20, 2011


Another yummy tie for Bri, this one a rich, deep chocolatey offering scattered with blush dotty things uniformly all over.  As a guilty pleasure, she often made herself a small pot of chocolat chaud--in the true French style, of course--and sat at her window seat in the evenings.  She poured it into her finest Limoges teacups and used the saucers.  Sometimes, she tore up the Confectionery's strawberry marshmallows into tiny bits and floated them in the treat, dipping and swirling them with her silver spoon.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

C'mon Kids! It's Time For Some Colouring Fun!

Oh, happy happy joy joy!  If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!  Today, Uncle Brian puts on his Sunny Sky Tie because he's having a Sunshiny Day!  Can you colour your Uncle Brian Colouring Page Tie just like his?  Take out your Sunny Yellow crayon and make some big, fat stripes bright yellow!  Now, take out your Blue Sky Blue crayon and make the other big, fat stripes bright blue!  Have Mummy or Daddy help you cut along the dotted lines with your chubby-wubby safety scissors! Now hold your very own Uncle Brian Sunny Sky Tie up against your shirt, right under your chinny-chin-chin! Yay! You can be on TV, too, one day--just like Uncle Brian!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tasty Tie

Debut Tie.  Tonight, Brian Williams is sophisticated in a striped cravat of rich nutmeg and maize.  The colors are deep and complex, and the golden stripe is textured and alluring.  As I watch, I am overwhelmed with the desire for this.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Beautiful In Blue

Oh, what a pretty, pretty cravat!  Tonight's offering, narrow stripes of deep ocean and creamy sky, is just pretty.  It's like strolling through Old Town at Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, stopping in all the little shops.  You try on the hats at Beau Chapeau, and marvel at the curiosities at the Butterfly Gallery.  At Cecile's, the fabrics are gorgeous and the aromas transport you to milieux far beyond the torpor or tension of your everyday life.  But you and your companion mustn't linger overlong; you have tickets for a matinee at the Shaw Theatre, and you'd like a glass of wine and a cheese plate first.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Fashion Alert Is Issued

This evening's tie of not-too-wide, not-too-narrow navy and white stripes was crisp and splendid, but curiously retro-looking.  Did Brian switch from his usual four-in-hand knot to the wider Windsor?  Was he tying it more loosely overall?  In any case, the total look was one of an Eighties Throwback instead of the snappy, precise broadcast professional.  We here at The Report are On Alert.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

You Know What I Mean?

I am ambivalent about this cravat, its navy blue field, its raspberry sherbet stripes dribbling down brightly and invitingly.  There's nothing egregious about it, and it's summery and almost pretty.  But because the blue is rather somber, the pink looks shocking and wanders into tacky territory.  It's sort of like strolling past a buffet laden with treats like lobster, brie en croute, and pâté and finding salami rollups and Velveeta.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bad Fashion Never Dies, It Just Serves To Constantly Annoy Me

SPT.  There is no God.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Off The Set, But Not Out Of Bounds

Il est sans cravat, but for the first time ever, his shirt is not ill-fitting, and he is not wearing a horrid overcoat or jacket of poor design.  Very attractive, Brian Williams.  Quite.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Stranger Things Have Happened

Brian Williams, channelling Ward Cleaver and a little bit of Mr. Rogers, knots up a tie of Play-doh blue with a busy, red, stripey thing happening in there that managed to make this one of the most pedestrian ties ever worn in the New Millennium.  It's like this poor tie, worn by a brilliant but reckless corporate-funded scientist working feverishly in his lab in 1954, got stuck in the hinges of his time machine.  As the scientist set the coordinates to 2011, the machine began to vibrate menacingly and acrid smoke billowed out. As the experimentor clambered out to discover the problem, his cravat caught upon the door.  Loosening the knot, he sacrificed the silk accoutrement and, when he finally stopped the device and looked inside, the tie was gone.  Only to reappear on the back of Brian Williams' chair at The Nightly News Desk.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Evening's Assignation

This evening, Brian Williams knots up a chic and mysterious tie, narrow stripes of smoky lavender and charcoal.  Your cell phone buzzes, and you pick up.  "Meet me in Lilacia Park," your source says sotto voce.  "I'll be right at the entrance, just inside.  Eight thirty.  Don't be late."  A lifelong Chicago girl, you have no qualms about grabbing the train to Lombard for the assignation. This story could make your career. The darkness has just begun to envelop the park and the springtime scent of the lilacs is wafting out around you.  It's lovely and purple.  But now, and for the rest of your life, it will be the aroma of excitement and scandal.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

A Nice Tie--But...Who Wants Just Nice?

A field of deep turquoise is crossed by slim bands of sky blue bordered in luminous white. This tie is pleasant, but innocuous and safe in the Fashion Sense. It's the Guy Friend who you can go out with and not make your boyfriend the least bit jealous. It's the angel food cake with fresh fruit for dessert. And it's getting the three-inch high heels, but in black instead of red.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A Royal Comeback

This evening Brian Williams dons a cravat of slim black stripes alternating with burnished gold, the latter bisected by a thread of the contrasting onyx. Quietly, solicitously, the jeweller proffers another velvet case. He carefully slides open the sable top and reveals row upon row of gold herringbone necklaces. It is as if the pharoahs and queens of Egypt, one by one, had unburdened their necks before stepping into their sarcophagi for the ages.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Locked In A Downward Fashion Shame Spiral, Brian Williams Drags Me Down In His Miserable Maelstrom

Now he's just hurting my feelings. First, there was yesterday's flagrant repeat of the 5 May tie, and then today, the Candy Cane/Popcorn Box/Circus Tie worn en ensemble with what can only be described as a Studied Disregard For Fashion Sensibility. How can anyone think, even for one fleeting moment, that a cravat striped with red, crimson, and white can be worn with a pale blue, white-collared shirt and black suit jacket? Except, perhaps, on a dare or upon awakening from a ten-day drunk? I worry that Someone is taking fashion advice from (say it isn't so!) The Before David Gregory.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Tasteful Celebration Et Homage

Brian Williams commemorates his birthday with a decorous stripe of pearl and onyx, impeccably knotted. Its colouring is, perhaps, a sort of salute to The History of Journalism, a celebration of newspapers and the great trailblazing broadcasters of black and white television like Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Huntley & Brinkley.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Nocturnal Regiment

A deep violet-blue background overlaid with a grid of tiny white dots is the offering tonight. It is as if the stars, obeying some Celestial General, have aligned in martial rank and file, ready for a cosmic drill in the night sky.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

It's Not Very Happy

SPT.  Oh, Brian Williams.  And on my birthday, too.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Theme For April Would Seem To Be "Dismay"

Oh dear. I wasn't even going to put forth a comment regarding this particular cravat, which I do like. What's not to like?  It is the Picture Of Formality: with its stripes of polished sterling and onyx, it is a set of handsome cufflinks and tie clasp by itself.  And its knot was impeccable.  Its timing, however, was...regretful.  A quick check of The Report Daybook will sadly confirm that this tie last made an appearance on The Nightly set just a few broadcasts ago--21 April.  Oh my.  Most unfortunate, as April is already Tragically Bereft Of Fashion Success.

Friday, April 22, 2011

April Is A Travesty

SPT.  I think the entire outfit was recycled.  I am so horrified.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

In Which I Must--Regretfully--Digress

Brian's tie this evening was a rather nondescript offering of silver and ebony stripes, and I was far from inspired. But I hope Report readers will forgive me for straying from the mission of this site in order to express my profound dismay at the heinously egregious cravat of Brian's colleague, David Faber, whose relentless assault upon the mores of Good Taste has been noted here before.  Mr. Faber's tie of salmon and licorice red stripes was horrifying enough on its own, but to pair it with a grey blue jacket and blue patterned shirt is nothing short of an Act Of Domestic Terrorism.  My outrage knows no bounds.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Promise Of Summer

This evening's tie is a pleasant one. Viewers are greeted by narrow stripes of sky blue and sandstone, a welcome reprieve from the Slough of Despair that was last night's offering. Instead, this cravat is like stepping outside on an early spring morning, taken by surprise by the light, brisk breeze. Too cool for doffing the jacket, yes, but the sunny sky holds the promise of warmer days to come, the air has the unmistakeable scent of grass and hyacinths, and you know it won't be long before you'll be taking your lunch hour sitting at a picnic table near the lake, even if all you do is wear your sunglasses and smell someone else's suntan lotion.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You Know, It's Like He Wants To Hurt My Feelings

SPT. We here at The Report are officially at Fashion DEFCON 1 with the appearance yet again of this Catastrophic Cravat. All Nightly Viewers and Report readers are urged to take immediate precautions.

Monday, April 18, 2011

In Which I Lodge A Familiar Complaint

As much as we love to see you out there in NOLA looking rugged and outdoorsy, wearing your jeans and sticking it to the suits at BP, we still wish you'd WEAR A SHIRT THAT FITS!

Friday, April 15, 2011

After The Triumph Of Thursday, I Suffer An Anticlimax

Oh, le sigh, Brian Williams. I'm unfulfilled by this tie. It just isn't working for me. The stripes are a bit wide, and the orchid is cheap looking. The blue is...okay...but why is only it textured, and so aggressively? It's like seeing a great-looking guy and then noticing he's wearing a "Toby Keith for President" teeshirt. Or finding out that your crush has all the "Saw" movies on Blu-ray. I have to walk away. Just...walk away.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Crown Jewel Of Cravats

Bravo, Brian Williams! With the acquisition of this cravat, you have restored my Fashion Faith. This tie had rich texture, colour, style, and elegance. The blue was mysterious and slightly smoky; the narrow white stripes were further inlaid with a wistful, paler shade of the field color. The moment I saw it, I immediately thought of this.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Purple Misery

SPT.  This tie is becoming painful to behold.  Its condition is, to be kind, pitiable.  To continue to wear it on air is, to be tactful, regrettable. This cravat is best put out of its misery so as to put us out of ours.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Every Wardrobe Needs A Little More Brando

Ho hum.  Brian Williams is wearing a perfectly acceptable tie of navy blue crossed by narrow diagonals of ruby red bordered by white.  There is absolutely nothing egregious or scandalous about it.  This tie is like sitting in study hall, thinking about the boy who asked you to prom weeks early, and you accepted, fearing you'd be left at home.  He's nice, not ugly or anything, and he won't embarrass you.  But he's not like that boy, you muse, glancing wistfully at the tall guy reclining in his seat in the corner.  His eyes are half-lidded in sleep, and his distressed leather jacket is cool and...well, sexy.  He might not even go to prom,'d give up going just for a ride behind him on his motorcycle.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Say!

Tonight, Brian knots up a very classic tie in a traditional foulard pattern. Its background is a silky plumwine, and it is patterned with miniature black squares with white centres. There is something very Nineteenth Century British about this cravat, and it just cries out to instead be a Veddy Veddy Jolly ascot, worn by a quite nice chap balancing a cup of tea--milk, no lemon--on his knee whilst sitting and listening to Lady Something-Hyphenated talk about her Lake District jaunt.

Friday, April 1, 2011

If This Is Someone's Idea Of An April Fool's Joke, We Are Not Amused

SPT.  Oh, ha ha, Brian Williams.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's About The Environment

What is this? Brian dons the St. Patrick's Day tie? The Report is on guard immediatement. This stripe of verdant green and true blue never makes an appearance unless it's The Holiday. Yet, here it is, looking dapper against a pastel blue shirt. It's sort of an EcoCravat, isn't it? Imagine if a young man went to a posh boarding school and, along with his navy serge blazer with the gold crest, he wore (once a week, on Meeting Day) this tie. On that day, he and his little band of Concerned Environmentalists would discuss banning styrofoam carryout containers at the chip shops in their parish, and decide to circulate petitions to pressure the school commissary to sell drinks only in recyclable containers.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

French Springtime

Cette cravate est très française! This tie of black and blush narrow stripes is like looking up into the blossoming trees at les jardins à Luxembourg. The branches stretch dark and brittle, searching for the warmth of the new spring sun while the blooms burst forth like a celebration.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Is There A Full Moon?

SPT. Zut alors et Quelle horreur! Just when I think this Fashion Godzilla couldn't get any worse, it manifests an Apparition of Aberration about two-thirds of the way down. Was it a smudge?...a horizontal fold?...a desk-crease? What was it? We here at The Report are keeping a cross, some garlic, and a copy of GQ close by as talismen, just in case.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dark Magic

Please enjoy this Classic Cravat Critique from 8 November 2007:

Tonight, Mr. Williams looks debonair in a generous, but not wide, stripe of onyx and muted indigo with a matte satin finish. Dark and alluringly mysterious, this cravat calls up the spectre of a wizard's cape or a necromancer's billowing robes as the spell-caster stands before a flashing pyre.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring Beauty

Oh, how lovely! Tonight's tie is a Springtime Pleasure of silver and rosyglow peach stripes. In her dressing-room, Lady Lorena turns at the announcement of a visitor. Her eyes widen as the bulky figure of the knight fills the archway, his polished breastplate gleaming in the sunlight that shafts in from the window. He kneels with some difficulty, and she immediately bids him rise. He is there to request her favour, and she selects from her dressing table a silk--her choicest one--and fastens it to his shoulder where it will flutter like an exotic bird of the dawn.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Some Things Are Better Left Unworn

SPT. And what was with that off-putting crease on the side, under the knot? Was this tie hanging on the back of the office door at The Nightly and it got wedged against the wall or some bookshelves? Was it jammed into a drawer? Or does it have a compartment in the back for a spare pen? Whatever the cause, it has rendered this tie Not Suitable For Viewing.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Wearin' O' The Green (And Blue, Always The Blue In A Stripe. Sigh.)

With a discreet bow to the holiday, Brian ties on a stripe of deep blue and mossy green. The Report first saw this tie on 17 March 2008, so it must be The Holiday Tie. But, is Brian confused? The Black Watch is Scottish, not Irish.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Chocolates From Childhood

What a delicious cravat Brian has served up this evening. The background is a rich cocoa, and it is besprinkled with an array of peachblossom mini-dots. ( This is really the same tie as 3 March, just in a different color.) In a few glances, I am back at Faroh's Candies with my dad, poring over the glass cases and inhaling the aroma of hand-dipped chocolates. It is a Special Saturday, just us, and for my choice, I pick out a couple of French Chocolates. One is dark chocolate with pink sprinkles--so pretty--and so, so good.

Friday, March 4, 2011

In Which I Channel A Bit Of My Muse, Edith Wharton

A lovely offering from Mr. Williams this evening, narrow grey stripes of slate and wintersky. This cravat is formal, Old New York, where men wore morning coats and bowlers before four o'clock, and at evening dances brought a stack of pristine white gloves so as to offer each partner a fresh, clean hand at her fingertips and waist. It is a letter of introduction, a tip of the hat, and a hand-delivered note to a lady when requesting an hour of her time.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Old Morocco

The warmth of this tie always brings to mind spices, and its overall color is a toasty cayenne. Small flamepoints of saffron wink out from carefully arranged rows, like small fires in front of Moroccan tents where the Berber warriors sit, drinking their green tea with mint, roasting game heavily seasoned from their spice jars.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Shameless Legerdemain by BW and The Nightly Provokes Me To Further Irritation

Was it just me, or did the rest of you see it too? Brian Williams and The Nightly pulled the Old Switcheroo and he wore one tie for the opening of the show, a navy with Carolina blue stripes, and suddenly--shazzam!--there he was, sporting the "Take This, Tie Report, And Deal With It" Repeat Cycle purple tie with black stripes bordered by white. Look, Brian Williams et al over there at 30 Rock, you are pushing it, and pushing it hard. First you try to get a twofer, and then one of them is a Repeater. Have you no shame?

Updated: Thanks to alert reader C., The Report was directed to Brian's blog, where he discusses "Tiegate" and explains the Tie Two-Step. Read it here.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Like A Sharp Stick In The Eye. Okay, Maybe Not That Bad, But It's Getting There

Brian Williams flips The Report the Fashion Bird and rebelliously knots up the oft-worn cravat of January and February, thus undoing any de-stressing accomplished by our week off. The return of the textured wan gold and cornflower blue striped tie is like being seated in front of the kid who keeps kicking your seat. You get a brief reprieve when his oblivious mom thoughtfully unbuckles him and lets him stand, but then he discovers the air vent, and his overreach sends a cascade of Cheerios onto your head below.

Monday, February 28, 2011

We're Back, And All We Can Do Is Be Hopeful For March (And Stay Away From Sharp Things, Just In Case)

We here at The Report took a little hiatus to placate our Snark, and in rapid succession, BriWi wore a series of Decent Ties That We Had Not Seen In A While. After having girded our loins, we promised that we would at least see out February, and we all witnessed what happened here: In a blatant display of Fashion Petulance, Brian Williams knots up the tie of 4 February, which I railed against considerably. It's not as if I dislike this cravat, with its brooding dark background and its bright bands of marmalade pinstriped with fresh white. I am just weary of it making such a pest of itself this month, like the little neighbor kid who won't stop parking his trike on your front walk and hanging out on your porch every time you are outside. He's charming and all, but sometimes, you just wish he'd stay home for a while and give you a chance to miss his company.

Friday, February 18, 2011

This Is Why I Always Unpack--First Thing--The Minute I Get Home From A Trip

What has happened to this tie? Its wide buttery and suitcoat navy stripes have gone slightly off, and now it looks sort of...icky. The yellow looks a bit greenish, like a blonde's hair after swimming too long in an over-chlorinated pool. Maybe Brian Williams left this tie in a cheapo blue suitcase up in a hot attic and there it stayed, wadded up in one of those side pockets, perhaps next to a bottle of rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer that slowly leaked, then evaporated, leaching into the tie and forever changing its sunny hue into something a little more...bilious.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

...And Then February Took A Turn For The Worse

SPT.And possibly because of overtying, the knot looks elongated and fatigued; the dimple offside and cavernous. Urk.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Summer Curfew

Tonight's tie is a deceptive pattern of minute purple mesh over white, which looks at first glance like a solid lilac cravat. Upon closer inspection, though, you can see the fine screen, like looking through your friend's back door in summer, hoping he's finally done with dinner so that he can come out for a while to ride bikes, street-skate, or have a few games of Mother May I until the street lights come on and you have to be home.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Maybe We Were Hungry For Something Different...Or Just Hungry

Brian Williams knots up a warm cravat of paprika silk with an overlaid grid of widely spaced golden pinprick dots. It's toasty and spicy, like a comforting bowl of red curry and rice, not too hot, and a steamy basket of naan.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Down To The Last Detail

This evening's cravat is a sleek stripe of black and silver. It is flawlessly knotted and the epitome of sophistication. It is the black Benz and the penthouse apartment, the stainless and obsidian granite chef's kitchen, the chrome and opaque glass hi-tech gadgets that lay scattered on the vast and somehow masculine coffee table. One buzzes and jitters, lighting to life. He glances at it briefly, blushes momentarily, and asks if you'd care for red or white.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

...And So It Continues, Day After Day, In This Month Of Misery Pour Moi

Thumbing his metaphorical nose at both fashion and The Report, BriWi defiantly knots up the tie of February 7. This classic of deep amethyst with onyx stripes banded by pearl is lovely, indeed, but we just saw it two days ago. I still have the impressions of the last Report; I can't craft a new perception of this cravat already! Why, Brian, do you always ask so much of me? Pourquoi êtes-vous si cruel?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

There Is, It Would Seem, No End To This General Malaise De Cravates

Solid Purple Tie. Nice texture, but we don't give points for that here.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

In Which I Lay The Smack Down And Have To Introduce A Little Reality Therapy

Wow, Brian Williams. Wow. I would like to make excuses for you; say that you are, perhaps Snow Blind, that you are suffering--like the Rest Of Us--from Cabin Fever, and that is why you are constantly lapsing into Repeat Cycles like this one, wearing again the stripe of waffly-textured champagne and summersky blue, but the Reality is this. You just went to Egypt and Jordan! You were in foreign lands beset by conflict and strife! You were sans cravat for that adventure! Pull yourself together, man, and find your Other Ties!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Elegant Paradox

This evening Brian returns to an old standby Purple Striped Tie, and one he has leaned on heavily as of late. Its true violet field is crossed with ebony diagonals bordered by slim, pearl bands. This cravat is formal, but not stuffy. It is a grandfather who wants to be called "Grandfather," but who will still tickle you and slip you bubblegum at church. It is an outdoor reception, but with linens and silverware. It is a nosegay of violets in a silver vase.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Is There Such A Condition As Tie Alzheimer's? For That Is The Only Excuse I Shall Accept For These Constant Repeat Cycles Henceforth

I am thisclose to condemning this tie to The Den Of Ubiquity (aka The Axis Of Evil). When BriWi first started up with this cravat, I admired its midnight sky background and those stylish flame-coloured stripes bordered by slim, starry pinstripes. It was debonair and suave, classic and sophisticated. Now he's begun to lean on it like a birdlike old woman on a nephew's obliging arm. If B-dub doesn't start remembering that he has lots of Other Ties, the Axis is going to get Positively Pudgy.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Stormy Weather

This tie is moody and dramatic, but not like that Goth kid in study hall who keeps his head bent over his Moleskine knockoff as his black polished fingernails pull incessantly at his Koolaid-tinted hair. No, this jet and whisperpurple stripe is more like the scent of lilacs breathing through your window during a midnight thunderstorm.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Has The Nightly Moved To Punxsutawney? What Can Be The Meaning Of This Continued Sartorial Effrontery?

Oh, hey. Why not just read Friday's Report because he is wearing the very same cravat tonight. I feel like January cannot, possibly ever, be over soon enough. What an affront to Fashion, Nightly Viewers, Camerapersons, Menswear Designers, oh for heaven's sakes--PEOPLE WHO WEAR CLOTHING everywhere.

If Certain People are not going to put forth an effort, then I don't see any reason to either.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Many Facets Of Fashion

Mr. Williams is making up for any previous Fashion Faux Pas with the ties of Friday and tonight. This evening's offering of slim stripes alternating ebony and apple blossom is a favourite of The Report. If this cravat had a name, it would be Julian or Geoffrey; if it were music, it would be smooth jazz or a classical quartet; if it were food, it would be croissants with brie, pear, and house-made charcuterie; if it were a city, it would be, naturellement, Paris.

Friday, January 21, 2011

He Stoops To Court Her

What a sophisticated, classic cravat Brian Williams has tied on tonight! Pale, champagne gold textured stripes alternate with more slender bands of royal blue. The audience is respectfully hushed and lifts its eyes expectantly to the royal box. As the nobles are seated, one dashing young lord glances down at the mezzanine. Their eyes meet; she is no one, but lovely, and her eyes are kind and somehow wounded. He is captivated immediately. He motions to the equerry as the house lights go down.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

In Which I Am Completely Insulted, As We All Should Be

Oh, hey. Why not just read Monday's Lamentation because he is wearing the very same "ensemble" tonight. I feel like January cannot, possibly ever, be over soon enough. What an affront to Fashion, Nightly Viewers, Camerapersons, Menswear Designers, oh for heaven's sakes--PEOPLE WHO WEAR CLOTHING everywhere.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Am Receiving No Compensation For This Report, But Any Of Them Can Toss Cash At Me

You've got to hand it to BriWi. Not everyone will knot up a tie with bright red and deep red and white stripes when it's not Christmas and do so with the unabashed aplomb (or unblinking cluelessness) of this Nightly denizen. As the viewer struggles to get past the initial Candy Cane Association, his or her mind immediately connects to other familiar images: the theater popcorn box, the Cat in the Hat's chapeau, the Target logo. Are any of these suitable conveyances for America's Most Trusted Voice In (Real) News? Something to think about.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2011--The Year Of The Snark

I am thisclose to relegating tonight's cravat to the Axis Of Evil. I mean it. Remember not so very long ago when I used to wax tres romantique about its jet navy background and its slim stripes of shy, blushing pink? I found it tres Francais, and I used to smile at its appearance above The Nightly desk. In the intervening days, weeks, and now months it has become so ubiquitous, so omnipresent, so Everestlike in its very there-ness that a mere glimpse of it makes me epically snarky.

Monday, January 17, 2011

In A Battle Such As This, We All Lose

Here at The Report, we can think of no reason for Brian Williams to have chosen This Particular Ensemble this evening--or ever, for that matter. The cravat, long an object of dismay and horror, battled unceasingly for Fashion Legitimacy with its accompanying black pinstriped jacket. Alas! Nothing could save it. Nothing! When one is a lurid orchid striped with leering ultramarine blue, it is very nearly a Lost Cause. And when one is additionally burdened with the mysterious proclivity of fuzzing and blurring like an old mimeographed worksheet, it is time to Give Up. Would that BriWi would do the same and add this tiresome tie to the Donate Pile.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I've Got Brian's Resolutions Right Here

Really, Brian Williams? Is this what the New Year will bring? I'm All For Orange, but I'm not On Board with Repeat Cycles and Callous Disregard and Cavalier Disinterest About Neckwear In General, which is what you seem to be expressing with your slapdash attitude in slinging on the smoked navy tie with the slim stripes of tangerine bordered in narrow cream pinstripes. You put this cravat into Heavy Use at the end of 2010, and here it is, heralding 2011. Nous ne sommes pas amusés.