Thursday, December 13, 2012

Okay, So, Is There A Schedule?

For a rendering of tonight's tie, please read the Report of exactly one month ago, 13 November 2012, when he wore the selfsame cravat.  What a rigid Fashion Rotation.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Why I Don't Have John Boehner On Top Of My Christmas Tree

BriWi's striped tie tonight is a jarring note in his conservative ensemble.  Its deep navy field colour is perfectly fine, but the zippy red stripes have an unbalancing effect.  They are like putting jelly beans on a tuna sandwich.  Like hearing a mariachi band when the priest bows his head and says, "Let us pray."  Like watching Grandpa pull up his fishing pole and seeing Grandma emerge from the lake in a tutu and toe shoes.  Yeah, like all of that. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


SPT.  I feel like we should start a petition and have this tie forcibly removed by a Fashion HazMat Team.

Monday, December 10, 2012

It's Delightfully Delicious

It's a purple lover's dream tie.  This cravat is a Fashion Confection of lavender and mulberry in slender stripes.  It's like tea parties and backyard wedding receptions, ice cream socials and cakewalks.  It is a bakeshop cupcake made in a Girls' Night Out flavour like boysenberry mojito with blackcurrant mousse frosting.  So yummy.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Tonight's cravat is a faded and muted violet crossed by narrow charcoal diagonals, widely spaced.  He had decided to rent a car and drive the rest of the way to Cleveland, eschewing the crowded airports and noise-filled planes.  As he drove through the farmland, he was charmed by the horses and buggies, the tall silos, and the many local roadside stands along his route.  He stopped at one ostentatiously lettered sign offering pies, jams, jellies, pickles, eggs, and fresh produce.  The girl behind the bonnet barely spoke as she totaled up his purchases.  Her grey dress was somber, but she could not have been more than fifteen.  "Did you say this pie was, what now? Elderberry?" he asked.  She nodded, and she handed him his change with berry-stained fingers.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

What A Difference Routine Makes

Oh, Brian.  I remember when you first wore this tie.  We here at The Report--along with our readers--were thrilled.  It was the first cravat with even a hint of green.  True, it is still the deep suitcoat navy field that so many of your ties share.  Yes, it is only a moderately wide forest green stripe.  But after years of suspense and suffering through such cravats as the Peculiarly Creased Lunchbag Tie and the Kidney Bean/Bodyworks Tie, we rejoiced! 

Now, of course, having been sedated and bludgeoned by Stripery, we are less impressed.

Monday, December 3, 2012

It Begins

The Report is back from a brief hiatus.

A narrow stripe of goldenrod against nightsky is the cravat for this evening.  She opened the slim case, viewed its contents quizzically, and looked at him.  A small frown started to appear, and he spoke quickly.  "I know you don't wear jewelry.  That's why it's pretty plain.  I just thought it might be nice, you know, something different, something kind of pretty and...and feminine."  He lifted out the slim gold bracelet and began to fasten it onto her wrist.  The minute clasp, however, eluded his blunt fingers, and the chain fell back onto the table.  She pulled the sleeves of her turtleneck down over her hands in a reflexive, defensive gesture.