Friday, November 30, 2007

Tie Fatigue Leads To Unprecedented Guest Reviewer

Because I have grown increasingly embattled and weakened by Brian Williams's steadfast resolve to: A) stop wearing certain hideous ties; B) work in a few ties from other color palettes; and C) refuse to read my Tie Reports and/or take them as Serious Fashion Advice, I will give over the Tie Report to a guest reviewer who will offer his take on tonight's tie, which was the pewtery blue field with Prussian blue dots.

Rick: I like this tie.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Banal Blue Stripes In Shocking Repeat Cycle Causes Ctrl Key Episode

All right! Now just what is going on over there at The Nightly!? In a shocking and--well, I'm just going to say it--shameless repeat cycle, Brian Williams dons the pedestrian and bourgeois navy and light blue stripe of yes, November 23rd! This repeat cycle is only bested by the repeat cycle of ...the lavender solid tie, (which was just worn day before yesterday) when it was worn twice within 5 days earlier this spring. Good heavens, tonight's tie, rerun or not, makes BW look like he is dressed for his school pictures. With his white shirt, navy blazer, and carefully coiffed hair, all that is missing is the little St. Something's crest on the breast pocket. Holy Ctrl key, Brian! Would you get a grip on your cravat matrix before I have to come down there to 30 Rock and add me to your Favorites?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tacky Tie--Could It Be An Omen?

If I didn't know better, I'd say that Bri is reading The Tie Report and is toying with me. He knows I hate this tie, the tacky popsicle-y purple with dental floss white stripes. It brings to mind those odd jelly candies one finds in foreign food shops, or horrid children's clothes at dollar stores with vaguely psychotic-looking unlicensed cartoon characters on them and oblique little sayings like "I'm beary fun!" or "Bike Boss." Tonight, if he wears the Psychedelic Goth Tie or the TWSNBRAINDTM, it's definitely a sign. Definitely.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Back In The Saddle Again

I knew it wouldn't be long before Brian knotted up this old standby from the campaign trail. True, he hasn't trotted it out into the show ring since 1 November, but after it was branded with such shame back in the spring, I thought it deserved to be put out to pasture for good. That was not to be, however, for it is, after all, a Purple, and we know how BW loves his Purples. This solid lilac cravat is in his stable for good, and we had better get used to it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Banal And Brown--The Lunchbag Tie

No longer am I excited by this cravat, Brian's one real off-ramp from his turnpike of purple and blue. The brown paper bag banality of it has finally worn thin, like the lunch bag your mom made you keep using Monday through Friday, her contribution not only to keeping a tight rein on the family budget, but also to the idea of conservation and teaching you to be frugal and responsible. True, there are no grease spots from leaking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or yellowy smears of mustard on Brian's brown tie, but the color and overall ambience are the same.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Safe, Taciturn, Timid--A Tie Of Conservativism

Hey, Brian? Could we have played it any safer than this tie? Because, I don't know, navy blue with baby blue half-inch stripes arranged modestly about every two inches or so is about as stodgy and reticent as one can get when wearing a navy blue suit. Were you, perhaps, having Second Thanksgiving Dinner with the Other Side of the Family directly after the Nightly and they are Conservative Republican Right-to-Lifers whose heroes are Rush Limbaugh, Jesus, and Billy Graham in that order? Do they frown upon Ann Coulter because, although they agree in principle with her politics, she just looks a little slutty to them? Because, this tie says all of that in one swath of neo-con navy and light blue stripe, Brian, it really does.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bad Tie Mojo, Man

This is the tie that pushes me dangerously close to deciding to create an entire cadre of cravats that fall under the category of TWSNLBRAINDTM. I am sick of this godawful thing, a sort of neo-Gothic, mod Peter Max-esque pattern of red, purple, white and maybe blue, maybe not that really has a whole lotta ugly going on. It's Bad Tie Mojo, man, really bad, and oh my god, I just typed that in an awfully authentic Austin Powers accent. Do you see what you and your horrid tie are doing to me, Brian Williams? It's like you don't even care, baby, yeah.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Must Recuse Myself

*It's vexed I am, having watched Brian Williams on the webcast due to a Sisters Night Out, and at first glance, completely ready to pronounce the tie his black and white stripe, but then noticing he was wearing a light blue shirt with navy suit! It is doubtful Brian would make this sort of Borderline Fashion Statement cum Faux Pas! Could this tie actually be a deep navy stripe instead? I find that I cannot be entirely certain, hampered as I am by the limits of an enlarged picture on my computer monitor. I must, therefore, recuse myself from completely reviewing and critiquing this cravat. Forgive me; I have failed you.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sigh. Why Again, Brian, Why? Will It Never Go Away?


Friday, November 16, 2007

Cravat Confection

The overall color of this tie is the rich, deep, full-bodied hue of Smucker's strawberry jam. It even has that gorgeous glossiness to it. And the narrow white stripes are so defined, so dimensional, that they look like the white piped icing from the top of a Hostess cupcake--only precise and straight, not squiggly. This is a cravat confection, a treat of a tie for us tonight, a little knotted-up nosh of sweet goodness to make the news more palatable.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Debut Tie Goes Awry

A Debut Tie. Soft sandwashed silk gave this chambray blue cravat an easy, sueded look; its narrow white stripes were almost as shiny as ribbons, proving too stark a contrast. This tie was a fashion paradox, chaotic to the eye, like seeing Legos on a pizza or your Grandpa in a Speedo. Okay, maybe not that bad, but still...while the color was nice, and the stripes were nice, together it was just a poorly executed cravat.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Loathsome Tie

I hate this tie. It looks tacky and cheap, with its ultramarine blue background and staggered wide mulberry swaths with more mulberry pinstripes between. It's the kind of tie that just looks icky and ready to wrinkle, or worse, just waiting for a greasy stain to show up smack dab on the center of it. Its colors aren't bold in a designer sort of way, but in a Wal*Mart sort of way. This is simply a horrendous, atrocious, repellent, and abominable tie. I loathe it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Early Retirement For This Debut Tie

Standing at the end of a Ford truck assembly line in a cavernous factory, Brian scarcely needed any of the huge studio lights brought along by the crew to this Detroit area location. His startling cravat was bright enough. Stripes of arresting blue that rivaled the most vivid sialia currucoides alternated with those of blaring fire engine red. The fabric, unless my eyes deceived me, was glossy, shiny chintz! This Debut Tie should be put into Early Retirement. Immediatement. What, Brian Williams, what were you thinking?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Live From Cleveland, Ohio!

Reporting live from rainy Cleveland, Ohio, Brian stood under a streaming tarpaulin roof at an undisclosed location in the Flats riverbank district. Lucky for the Nightly viewers, he eschewed his oversized shirts normally reserved for more exigent on-location reports and instead sported a solid of tightly jacquard-knit plum. How do I know it was not just a run-of-the-mill matte silk, dark purple tie? Because I saw Bri on good old local-affiliate WKYC videotape, that's how. And now that I've determined it's not a solid plum...thumbs down.

Friday, November 9, 2007

A Kingly Cravat

Ah, this gorgeous tie! Mellow, burnished gold alternates with royal purple in this striped cravat. Its generous cut and rich colors remind us that it is from Brian's much-lauded Vintage Series. The fabric hearkens back to lush draperies of heraldic colors around castle portals, or the sumptuous ball gowns and waistcoats of ladies and their lords. This is a tie of taste, and would that we saw more of it.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Onyx And Indigo Cast Their Spell

Tonight, Mr. Williams looks debonair in a generous, but not wide, stripe of onyx and muted indigo with a matte satin finish. Dark and alluringly mysterious, this cravat calls up the spectre of a wizard's cape or a necromancer's billowing robes as the spell-caster stands before a flashing pyre.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Big Purple Tie

All right, there's no other way to say it. This is just a big purple tie. It's solid purple. And all I could think of when I saw it was this.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Brainteaser Tie

Brian's tie tonight, a black and white stripe, reminds me of those brainteaser puzzles that teachers and psychology professors show you of the two lines that look like this:


The instructor then asks you, "Which line looks longer to you?" And, of course, you answer that the line with the outward arrowheads looks the longer of the two, and you are wrong! because the lines are actually the same; it's a perception thing. Well, Brian's tie tonight has that whole business going on: the black stripes and the white stripes just might be the same width, but who can really be sure? The white ones look like they might be narrower, but it's awfully hard to tell. Besides, it's just a tie, and really, no one's paying me to do this.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Where, Oh Where Is The Elusive Green Tie?

Favoring relentless stripiness, almost as if he was eager to step back into his comfort zone after a turn as guest host on Saturday Night Live, Brian Williams dons the navy blue crossed with narrow sky blue diagonals. Sigh. I suppose it was too much to ask that he would find a new confidence, a new spirit, a new savoir faire, and perhaps, just this once, wear that piece de resistance, a green tie. So far, this cravat--The Lost Chord of Cravats, as it were--remains unrevealed to us. I know it's out there somewhere...somewhere.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Oh...THAT Tie


Thursday, November 1, 2007

Distance Lends Perspective To The Lavender Solid

* Brian returns to an old favorite and one of my Fashion Nemeses, the lavender solid cravat. This particular tie starred in a shocking repeat cycle in the spring and raised my ire to towering heights. "One day, you'll look back on this and laugh, " I assured myself. That day is today. But don't push it, Bri. Do not push it.