Monday, September 30, 2013

Brian Is Always Thinking Of Us

Ho hum, Brian Williams.  Perhaps you decided to wear such a soporific cravat this evening to be a Calming Influence during these Turbulent Times. A navy blue tie with slim white stripes is not exciting.  It is not shocking.  It is not even the least bit inspiring.  It is...oh, don't make me say it.  Ah, but I must--"boring."  Were it up to me, I would vote against a Continuing Resolution extending the life of this tie.  I would have to propose legislation to defund this tie and so many others.  But I would never hold The Nightly hostage in order to do so. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Someone Needs To Give The Tie Storage Facility A Good Going-Over

SPT.  That purply burlap thing again. Urk.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Command Performance

Brian Williams knots up another striped tie, this one a smooth silk of bootblack and white.  It was dreadful, having to attend these Command Performances simply because his wife was a Somebody.  Not one of his friends owned a tux.  Just him.  This cocktail party was going to be hell, and he knew it the minute the butler opened the door.  The whole house was a sea of white.  White floors, white drapes, white furniture.  They even had a white dog, a yappy little thing with a rhinestone collar.  Wait--check that.  These people had a lot of money.  A lot.  Fido's collar was probably diamonds.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Alas, This Tie Is Still With Us

Dogpatch Designer Challenge Tie. (Added immediately upon first viewing on 16 January 2012.)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Pretty And Sweet

Brian Williams employs The Save on Friday by knotting up a tie of soft, muted orange dotted with charcoal medallions, each centred with ivory.  She was fascinated by the market, the stands busy with customers burdened by shopping bags full of artisan loaves, fresh produce, knobby packages of cheeses and meats, and here and there, a huge can of olive oil.  Stopping by one fruit stand, she was hailed by its proprietor.  "Pretty lady!  Pretty lady!  You try this.  Sweet. Sweet."  Amazed, she watched as his long knife expertly carved a cantaloupe, then handed her a chunk aloft on its tip.  She smiled and carefully took it.  The melon juice trickled down her chin.  It was sweet.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Telling It Straight

It's getting so that I actually fear this tie, this cranberry thing with turquoise medallions that interlock in some Byzantine fashion rendering it a decent facsimile for a strange sort of plastique stained-glass window thingy that your Aunt Sylvia might buy you for Christmas from a dollar store "just so you have something to open."  I don't know why I have such a viscerally negative reaction to this particular cravat.  Brian has had it at least since I began doing The Report back in 2007, and I have never felt good about it.  That's the way it goes sometimes; I can't apologize for it, so I won't.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Quelle Horreure!

SPT.  Goodness, but this was a Disaster.  Teensy tight knot, scary burlap-looking material, ugh.  Even if this actually was not Solid Purple, it read that way on camera, and it was dreadful all round.  Something like this, you simply cannot unsee.  It was almost...Chuck Todd-worthy.  Horrors.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

So Collegiate

This evening's stripe is from The Ward Cleaver Collection.  Dusky dark navy is livened up with rich scarlet diagonals, giving this tie a sort of University look.  It's the kind of tie that almost begs for a cardigan, one with an oversize argyle design, and some sort of casual academic setting.  Will there be wide-wale corduroy pants, chinos, or very dark designer jeans?  One of them, certainly.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Though We Gotta Say Goodbye For The Summer

The Report is back from our own hiatus, just in time for Brian's Monday Stripe.  Tonight's offering is a soft, satiny hyacinth blue with broad yellow diagonals.  It's as if Bri knows that Autumn is just around the corner this week, and he signals the end of Summer in a blaze of glory.  This cravat is all about the brilliantly blue skies of July and August, the heavy nodding heads of sunflowers before they shed their golden petals and relinquish their seed.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Certainly Not An Adam Sandler

As if hearing our collective frustration, Brian gives the stripes a rest and dons a different tie this evening, the soft denim blue with charcoal polka dots.  This cravat reminds me of the comedian Stephen Wright.  It's lighthearted, but in a somber, serious sort of way.  It's not slapstick and silly and sophomoric and jokey.  It's thoughtfully and cerebrally and intelligently witty. 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Last Words

Brian makes us reflect on Why We Missed Him tonight as he has knotted up another in his series of Striped Ties.  This one is brilliant white and midnight sky.  She was barely able to see the stairs, let alone find a safe way up them.  How did he let it get this bad?  As she made her way up, she moved piles and piles of books and magazines and newspapers out of her way.  If it was words, her father had kept them.  She squirmed her way through a small, packed doorway and suddenly, the room opened up before her.  It was astonishingly empty.  The walls were...grey?  No.  As she looked more closely, she saw that the walls, once white, were now filled with her father's small, tight writing.  Every spare inch was covered in words.  Her eyes blurred; this was it, his final opus.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Not This Time, Boys

Brian wraps up his Comeback Week wearing a tie of suitcoat navy with moderately slim stripes of periwinkle.  The last item on their agenda was merely a formality, and not one of the men in the room expected the person to even show up.  Several of them had already turned off their tablets, buttoned their jackets, grabbed a last pastry to take back to their office.  Suddenly, the door opened.  Most of them only saw heels and a pastel blue power suit, but one of them saw her face.  It was not the scared and tearful face they had double-talked out of their offices a year ago.  This woman was steel-eyed and confident; she had the look of a predator who smelled blood, who was hungry, even lustful for it, and who was coming in with no other idea than to win, no matter what the cost.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

A Very Chipper Tie

Looking everso well-rested and perky, BriWi knots up the textured purple silk arrayed with creamy white polka dots for this evening's broadcast.  It's a very chipper tie.  This cravat is like sunshine on your day off.  It's watching a little girl twirling around in a new party dress, and the face of a young boy entering a big league stadium with his dad for a game.  This tie is rope-skipping, snow cones, shoe sales, and getaway weekends, all smiles and satisfied sighs.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


Firmly ensconced behind his newsdesk, Brian Williams is sporting his narrowly striped cravat of textured dark turquoise and silvery grey-blue.  She padded down the steps in her thick socks at sunrise, her breath making small vapours in the chilly cabin.  Flipping on the coffee maker, she drew open the blinds on the vast sliders to capture the eastern view of the mountainside.  The spruces were ethereal, shrouded in fog, and they stood like sentinels over the still, deep lake.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Brian Williams Is Back, And We Announce The Winning Tie

Welcome back to The Nightly, Brian Williams!  The Report has missed you.  Winging its way to you is the Winning Tie, supplied by and voted in by your fans and Report readers, this lovely paisley creation.
Now, on to The Report.
Tonight's Homecoming Cravat is an arresting striper of royal blue and pure white.  It is both snappy and lovely, like a Marine in dress blues and his bride in flowing and feathery chiffon.  It's like a brisk September sky of blazing azure with lacy fleeces of clouds.  It's a bright blue bowl of vanilla ice cream with puffs of whipped cream, fluffy and airy and awaiting the spoon.