Wednesday, March 31, 2010

In Which We Lament Bad Fashion And Bad Casting

Wow. We have not seen this tie in a long time, yet it has not been missed. Its cranberry field color is netted by a mystifying pattern of interlocking turquoise Sputniks. I am always disappointed by this cravat; I see it as a Missed Opportunity of sorts. Like when I heard that Tom Hanks got the lead in the movie adaptation of The DaVinci Code.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

At The Fashion Cafe...

This tie is simply chic. It is a striped tie, but it takes fashion seriously, with its mix of color and pattern. The slim bands are of cream, lilac, and there is a navy band containing an ever-so-subtle hint of pinstriping. It is a fashion tour de force. This cravat is a lovely late repast of brie en croute avec les framboises noires with a cassis and champagne cocktail. Your waiter offers Earl Grey as you linger over laughter and conversation, and you are mildly surprised at the lateness of the hour.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Tonight, Brian Williams knots up a very distinguished cravat of suitcoat navy with burgundy stripes snugged by very slim bands of platinum. It's quite Ivy League, and First Class. There is something rather...velvet rope about this tie, as if it has been ushered into private rooms by discreet staff with mere nods. Heavy-paneled double doors close softly with an understated click, the high-backed leather chair behind the desk swivels around to reveal its occupant, and the interview, completely off-the-record, of course, begins.

Friday, March 26, 2010

It's Really Sort Of A Snack Of A Tie

Boy oh boy, is BriWi giving this tie a Workout. Its red and white stripes are really jazzing up the set of the Ol' Nightly, and it's not even Christmas. Or Valentine's Day. Or Independence Day. But doesn't it put you in the mood for a ball game or a movie, what with those stripes? They remind me of a popcorn box.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Brisk And Basic

This tie is a basic striper of Brian's that has been worn over and over again. Its field color might be black, or it might be deep navy. The white stripes are narrow and spaced generously. It’s a crisp, brisk tie of martial efficiency and no-nonsense alacrity. It is the Times New Roman of ties.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There Is A Right Way To Do Solid And Sedate, And This Tie Is One Of Them

I'd like to paraphrase a Report from 7 February 2007, when I first critiqued this particular tie, a solid of pewter grey with a sheen to it. This cravat is reminiscent of elegant heirloom silver that was slightly tarnished: understated yet with an unmistakable note of richness. I clap my hands as the royals do in their box at Wimbledon, Mr. Williams, at my waist and just above my lap, and ever-so-lightly as if they were gloved. "Bravo!" I whisper, "Well played!"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Isn't It Romantic?

This evening's cravat is a cabernet franc silk with white pinstripes. It's a lovely tie, romantic almost, evoking heart-shaped candy boxes with white lace ruffles, Victorian valentines handmade of red silk and creamy taffeta, and dramatic long-stemmed roses held by long opera-gloved hands.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Perhaps Brian Williams Is Getting In Touch With Mrs. Williams A Bit With This One...Or Not.

Brian Williams is wearing a purple tie with stripes. Wow. But these stripes are pairs of whitish stripes, skinny pairs of whitish stripes, and the fabric looks sub-par and the purple is...nothing special. This tie is the equivalent of the outfit we women toss on when we're Feeling Fat And Ucky. And having a Bad Hair Day. And we're not going out AT ALL. And we might just sit in our big chair with a blankie, the remote, a half-pint of Ben & Jerry's (insert self-satisfying flavour here), perhaps a good book, and maybe, if we're feeling more than a bit self-indulgent, a glass of wine. Because we don't care, and no one's going to see us anyway.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Do Try To Get Along Without Us Until Friday, 18 March, Won't You? (I Have A "Real" Job, You Know.)

The Report will be on a brief hiatus during parent-teacher conferences. (It's not like he's wearing anything new or exciting anyway.)

Monday, March 15, 2010

This Tie Speaks Volumes...Again

* Where were you ten days ago, on 5 March? If you were like me, you were watching this same tie. Yes, Report readers, this same ultramarine blue with its snowy white stripes boldly outlined in sooty black is making a quick comeback. Yikes. It's so in-your-face, so sharply lined, so arresting, that it's almost audible. If this tie made noise, it would be like the snap of lake ice cracking, like the clank of a metal sawblade dropped on a concrete garage floor, or like the sudden clatter of a great deal of silverware being dropped in a restaurant kitchen.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Purple Is Purple, And The Report Calls 'Em As We Sees 'Em

While it was more of a mulberry/red-violet, 'twas No Matter. Solid Purple Tie.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Brian knots up an old standby of sandstone and sky blue stripes for tonight's broadcast. There's something antique-looking about this cravat, like finding a trove of old Wedgwood laid away in tissue paper at the bottom of a trunk full of your Aunt Bridget's damask tablecloths, their soft rose color now gone a dusky mauve, but gorgeous nonetheless.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Refined Repast

This tie of black with very narrow stripes of wan gold is elegant. The waiter, white gloves pristine and quiet, bends low. His silver tray is proffered in one smooth yet swooping motion. On it is a selection of black, glistening pearls of the sea. He produces a small golden spoon and places a precious mound of each ebony treasure on your plate. Champagne bubbles into tall crystal flutes, you nod your approval, and he is gone again in a whisper.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Perhaps Brian Got This Tie At The A & P

There's just something so jolly about this tie. I know that its strawberry and candy apple red stripe pairs look downright merry, and the snowy white of the background color is...festive, but it doesn't just put me in a joyous mood. It also reminds me of days long ago when my dad used to take me to the A & P to get groceries on Saturdays. Right before we'd check out, we would stop at the Brach's Pick-A-Mix stand, and my dad would grab a striped bag and let me plunge my hands into whatever bins I wanted. My favorites were the gumdrop bears, sourballs, and just because they were pretty, the candies that remind me of tonight's cravat--The Jelly Nougats. I was the only one who liked them, and I'm not even sure I did, but I thought they looked so colorful and wonderful, like all candy should.

Monday, March 8, 2010

In Which I Personify Tonight's Tie As A Vehicle For My Fashion Frustration

You know, readers, tonight's tie of navy blue crossed with kelly green diagonals snugged by pearl grey pinstripes was trying to say many things to me. "Look! Here is the green you used to lament and wail for!" was among them. So was "Don't I look dapper and Ivy League?" along with "I'll bet I am the envy of so many British Lower School headmasters." But all I could hear was, "Blah blah striped tie blah blah again blah blah."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Play Ball!

This evening, Brian dons a vivid Crayola blue cravat with widely spaced narrow white stripes bordered by narrow bands of jet navy/black. This tie is strangely generic and vaguely sporty, like it could be found in a catalog of Coaching Wear for any number of professional sports teams, like the Carolina Panthers, the Orlando Magic, or the Toronto Blue Jays.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's A Grand Old Flag...

Brian is such a slave to his stripes. This one is navy (surprise) and white, the white being shot through with a thread of red. This tie is almost a Patriotic Costume Tie, and I could see it being worn in any number of cutesy Independence Day Revues, like the romantic Red, White, and You!, or the spectacular Fireworks on Ice starring Brian Boitano and Kristi Yamaguchi.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Cravat With A Flair For The Dramatic

This tie is a dramatic cravat of orchid and midnight stripes. It is dashing and daring, like Errol Flynn and Josephine Baker. It's making an entrance, even if you're just coming in to the budget meeting. It's making sure your coffee cup at work is one of those with a little pedestal on it. And it's knowing that you never, ever wear just plain white underwear.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Report's Richter Scale Reels From SPT Aftershocks; What An Evil Winter It's Been

Wow. Didn't take long until Brian, no doubt travel-weary, knotted up a SPT, from the Axis of Evil.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Oh, Canada! It's Nice To Know That Americans Haven't Cornered The Market On Tchotchke, And Brian Is Back In The US Of A, Fully Striped.

So, Brian is back in Les Etats-Unis, and he is celebrating with just a tad more subtlety than the Canadians did with their closing ceremonies, where there was so much inflatable crap, I thought that Canada's front yard had thrown up. But Brian wore a stripe of smoked navy blue with burgundy bands bordered with luminous pearl pinstripes, sort of an homage to Old Glory rather than a literal sendup.