Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Why, Yes, You May Call It A Threat

As we here at The Report try to thaw from yet another Polar Vortex Visitation, it hardly seems worth our while to apply our benumbed and frosty fingers to the keyboard to report on another manifestation of That Tie.  You know the one.  It keeps violating our Fashion Space with its lurid Purply Gleam, its confusing pattern of impossibly small somethings that pulsate and flitter about and defy us at every angle.  Today its dimple is, we begrudgingly admit, quite nice, but not enough to save it.  If it appears once more this month--nay, once more before the first week of February is spent--we are relegating it to The Axis Of Evil.  That is how badly this tie has been used.

Friday, January 24, 2014

A Flash Of Brilliance

Looking very dapper, Brian puts together an enviable ensemble featuring a striped tie of charcoal with diagonals of ultramarine blue snugged by slim bands of white.  This cravat is sleek and stylish, a perfect balance of color and brilliance.  He scanned the room full of impeccably dressed elites, trying to find her.  It was almost impossible in this bevy of black.  If only he hadn't had to work so late!  If only she weren't so very petite! If only women weren't so damned slavish to their Little Black Dresses for every single evening function.  Struck by a brief moment of inspiration, he looked down.  In a clutch of cocktail smalltalkers he found a pair of bright blue heels.  He strode toward them, and there she was, martini (three olives) in hand.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

A Detour In The Running Of The Purples

Imagine our relief when we tuned in this evening and, instead of PurplePurplePurplePurple, we saw pearl grey and nightsky stripes.  Is this tie a wondrous Fashion Accessory?  No. But in comparison to its predecessors, however, it is a Sartorial Life Vest.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Les Faux Pas

Quelle horreur!  This has to be the worst Cycle de Répétition ever in The History Of The Report.  Not only did Monsieur Brian wear this very tie the day before yesterday, but we are certainly having a Running Of The Purples.  This, the shiny purply dotted tie of 15 January and 20 January, makes the third Purple in a row.  Et, malheureusement, it had duelling dimples.  Is something terribly amiss dans chez Williams?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Don't Look Back--Just RUN!

SPT.  Heaven help us all.  We may be in for a Running Of The Purples.

Monday, January 20, 2014

In Which We Acknowledge Our Disillusionment And Loll A Bit

Sigh.  Do us a favour, would you?  Just grab a strong drink and read Wednesday, 15 January's report.  If Brian Williams can be Fashion Lazy, we can be Report Lazy.  (With a heaping side of Great Dismay.)

Friday, January 17, 2014

The Gypsy Heart

Tonight's tie is like the gypsy cousin of Monday's tie.  The cabled stripes are brilliant magenta on a field of dusky lavender, and the entire cravat has a sheen and shimmer like satin.  "Impossible!" said Grandmamma when she saw the bolts of cloth lying like a bright rainbow across the bed.  "She is still in mourning.  These are completely unsuitable, not to mention scandalous.  The entire county will talk.  Madame Clarens has forgotten herself.  Richmond is not Paris."  Aunt Caroline deftly stepped in front of the fabrics with a cup of tea and nodded.  "Of course, of course.  But it has been almost a year now.  And Susannah is only sixteen.  The Lady's Book allows for mauve or lavender, and this silk here can be suitable," she said, indicating a soft lilac.  "Certainly a plain dress with a modest neckline is fine.  And no adornment, save some fresh roses?"  Susannah thought of the months of black crepe and dim veils that darkened her visage.  Hope bloomed within her.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Old Wives' Tale

Slate blue and creamy white stripes comprise this evening's cravat.  Barely awake, he drank a quick cup of black tea, good Irish tea, and pulled on his clothes and boots.  It was chilly, but not resolutely cold, so he tugged a wool sweater over his head and wound his scarf around his neck.  After a quick breakfast, his horse was ready, and they went out on the road.  As the sun struggled to light the sky, they made their way in the gloom to the cheesemaker's.  Today was the day he would salt-wash the cheeses, giving each white round a good briny dunk in order to help them develop a tough rind.  He opened the door to the drying room, and on their shelves, they looked like moons shining against the lightening sky.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bad Trip, Man

Remember all those terrible movies you had to watch in seventh grade health class during the unit on Drugs?  Some kid would get tired of being yelled at by his mom and dad, and he'd be out walking to The Big Dance or The Freshman Rally, thinking about it and muttering to himself, hands jammed into his pockets, grimace on his face.  A car would pull up and an Unsavory Kid from P.E. class would lean out and say, "Hey, dude!  Ain't you in my gym class?  Wanna ride?"  And the Decent Kid would have a moment of indecision, then hear his mother nagging, and climb into the car as an act of defiance.  They'd end up at a Party full of Drugs, with kids Getting High and acting weird all over the place.  Decent Kid would drink something or take something or smoke something and all of a sudden, there would be a scene of blurry faces, weird lights, flashing colours, and disco effects.  Freaky.  That's all I could think about with tonight's tie of teeny tiny shiny magenta-purple dots? checks? who knows?  Every time he moved even a scintilla, that tie pulsed alive and those two dimples threatened to swallow us up.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

But We're Making The Call

SPT.  This tie is technically not a Solid Purple, I know.  But its pattern is so minuscule that it has become another Purlap cravat.  That chasm of a dimple is quite formidable, I must say.

Monday, January 13, 2014

The Novice

This evening's cravat is a lovely offering of Wegwood and egg custard stripes, the latter in a rope pattern.  She cowered in her apron, wishing she could hide behind the huge stainless steel counters.  At the front of the room, she could hear Madame's sharp voice denouncing the failures.  "Non!  Non!  Rien!  Rien!  Quelle horreur!  Qu'est-ce que c'est?"  A moment later, it was her turn.  The knotty and flawlessly manicured finger lifted the meringue off the crust, revealing a small puddle.  "Non!," Madame cried.  She then stuck her finger into the soft golden filling, scraping the crust below.  Her finger came up with raw dough.  "Rien!  Rien!" she said, shaking it at her before moving on.  The cook buried her face in her novice's blue apron and silently wept.

Friday, January 10, 2014


Brian is saving the week by wearing excellent ties at the end of it.  This one is stellar.  Miniscule checks of paprika and ginger blend to make a lovely copper colour.  Sprinkled upon it are circlets of ash blue limned with black.  They had left Madison Avenue and Wall Street and come out to Nevada to learn how to live like people again.  It had not been easy, especially the first year, which they promised would be one of relaxation, rejuvenation, and exploration.  No work.  They found themselves strangers, even to each other.  But soon they found a shared interest, and by year two they had made it a business.  Every day in the workshop, as they hammered and wrought the copper into bracelets and cuffs, rings and earrings, they laughed about what their former associates would say if they saw their "desks" now.  She worked meticulously at mounting the natural turquoise stones onto the metal.  Everything was beautiful.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Crazy Quilt

Even though this particular cravat is what my grandma Ethel would call "busy," I have grown to like it.  It is a lovely summersky blue field with bands of black meshwork further interspersed by stripes of silvery satin shot through with lilac.  It reminds me of sitting next to Grandma when she was piecing her quilts.  Sometimes she would be making two or three at once, and I would help her sort her scraps.  I felt surrounded by personalities, some of them luxurious, some homey and sweet, some plain.  I wanted a quilt made of all of them together, and Grandma laughed.  "They call that a Crazy Quilt," she said.  "Pieces that go every which way and all kinds of material junked up together."  My eyes widened, and I smiled at the name.  That only made me want one even more.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

It Would Be A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

After wearing the Elder Cousin of Monday's tie on Tuesday, Brian gets a little cray-cray and pairs the Usual Navy Stripe with a yowza red.  We've seen this cravat before, this navy and red striper from the Ward Cleaver Collection.  For some reason, it always makes me think of Mr. Rogers, and I want to see Brian wear it with a nice, slouchy cardigan.  How lovely would that be, to have Mr. Williams sit in a living room set, comfy cardigan on, delivering the news in a gentle and soothing voice with no cutaways to scenes of disaster or drama?  And Michael Douglas could intone at the top of the broadcast, " NBC Neighborhood News with Brian Williams."

Monday, January 6, 2014

2014 Is Lackluster Thus Far

Ho, hum.  Bri has plopped on a suitcoat navy tie with slim white stripes.  As one of our small relatives would say, "Whoop De Do."  Not much to rattle our cages now, is it?  And it's not simply the fact that we've seen this cravat thousands of times.  It's a pedestrian tie even if it were new.  We get that It's All About The News for him, but how about something new(er) and more exciting?

Friday, January 3, 2014

In Which I Am Not Above A Little Clever Duplicity

It would seem that Brian Williams did not get any new cravats for Christmas this year.  Tonight he wears a deep navy blue tie with steep diagonals of forest green.  Why, Williams Family, why?  And what about all of you at NBC?  Couldn't you have pitched in and found a really nice tie in all of New York City?  Don't try to tell me that even a street vendor didn't have a decent tie.  Doubtless all of you camerapersons are becoming bored and weary, looking at the same old ties evening in and evening out.  Do everyone a favour and get that man a new necktie!  Make up some story about how your dog picked it out or it was from a NASCAR dog or it was bought from a fireman's charity for rescue dogs or something.  Anything with dogs.  The man is stuck on dogs.  How about this?  "Here, Mr. Williams.  I got this when I was at a Springsteen concert held to rebuild the Jersey Shore boardwalk.  The guy selling it said to tell you hello.  He met you when you did that story on rescuing dogs from Hurricane Katrina.  He still has three of them, he said to tell you."  There.  That should do it.  Now get on it!

Thursday, January 2, 2014


SPT.  After a long Holiday, Brian returns wearing the Purlap Tie.  A dire harbinger for 2014.