Thursday, July 31, 2008

It's Over...It's Finally Over

What a fitting end to this horrific month. TWSNLBRAINDTM.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Nostalgia Has Its Price

Perhaps Brian was browsing Ebay and came upon a collection of Hee Haw memorabilia and, having fond memories of watching this show at Grandma and Grandpa Williams’ house when spending the night (can’t you just picture him, sitting on the couch in his footie jammies, wet hair slicked back after his tubby, having a snack like Cheez Doodles and root beer?), was overcome with nostalgia. He snagged the red and white faux gingham tie for only a dollar! Sure, the shipping was nine bucks, but it was worth it to be able to wear those memories! Maybe to you, Brian, but not to us.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My Blue Heaven--With Stripes

We are treated to a symphony of slate blue and creamy ivory stripes tonight as Brian Williams returns to sartorial sanity. And, what’s this? He even wears a pale blue shirt? I am in heaven!

Monday, July 28, 2008

In An Apoplectic, Incredulous Rage, A New Designation Is Born

. ?!&%#*&*_ ??!?!??! Was this or was this not the polka dot tie that he JUST WORE ON JULY 23? I am a firm believer in Packing Light, but how much weight/room does a TIE take? Unless someone tells me that it was not, in fact, the selfsame Polka-dotted tie, I am now declaring this tie part of The Axis Of Evil, and will never, EVER review it again.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Wheels Are Off This Wreck, And July Is Careening Downhill--Is That Even Possible?

July is essentially a Fashion Trainwreck as far as The Report is concerned, for Brian is simply recycling the same tragic handful of ties with no concern whatsoever for my feelings nor those of the Fashion Community At Large. This time, he flings on the Dreaded Gadgety Tie, that odd little cornflower blue number scattered with skewed squares of white, each centered with teensy pinholes. Have we seen this countless times before? Have we pretty much OD'ed on this cravat? Yes and Yes. Does Himself seem to care? Sadly, No.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Live From Berlin, Where, Apparently, There Are No Men's Wearhouses

Brian is reporting live from Berlin, where he is not only tagging along after Pres-Elect Barack, but he is also wearing THE SAME POLKA-DOT TIE THAT HE WORE THE DAY HE LEFT. I could have simply left this report up, word for word, and changed the date. Heavy sigh. It is tres romantique to think that he, in his zeal as a journaliste extraordinaire, did not even change his clothes but merely hopped on an airplane, surrounded by staff and papers and, with laptop chronically open (but not to The Tie Report, obv.), flew to Germany, prepping for the newscast, Tim Russert-style, with nary a thought to his personal toilette. Well, Brian, even if that were the case, all I can say is "grande erreur!" One should never compromise one's personal grooming or style, not even for The Story.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

In Which I Spiral Downwards To A Bitter End, Driven By Yet Another Unnecessary Repeat Cycle

Oh, Brian, Brian, Brian. Is July "Le Mois de Beaucoup Répète ?" I have already resigned myself to the fact that it is "Le Mois de N'importe Quoi Va", and to the fact that no one (including you) is minding the Tie Fashion Store around The Nightly, but...! Soon, I shall begin to hate all your ties. When this tie, the watercolour Prussian blue with inky blue polka dots, first appeared, I was enthusiastic. I hailed it as a fashion risk worth taking. Now, beleaguered by your callous disregard for the most basic norm of style, I want to rip it off your lovely and fitly tanned neck and fling it into traffic, watching it become sullied by a lurching meat delivery truck or a beer van careening around a corner.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I'm Not Flip-Flopping, I'm Nuancing My Position

I'm not as averse to this tie as I once was. Its generously wide stripes of navy and pale yellow still are a bit arresting at first, but now that I've viewed it so many times, I'm used to it and can appreciate it as a bit fashion-forward and voluptuous. Still, it is in The Safe Palette, and is Tedious. But it's Different, and since July is pretty much a Crapshoot now, I'm feeling a sense of Nihilistic Defeatism. (With, obviously, a side of Emily Dickinsonian Capitalizationism.)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Special Tie Report: Ortizzle Sits In For The Vacationing Nance

*****************SPECIAL FEATURE TO THE REPORT******************
The Tie Report, being Away On Vacation, is pleased to have a Guest Reporter. This Report is provided by Ortizzle, who even got all techy on us and is providing us with a picture!

ORTIZZLE: Uh, Bri... you're having another case of dysfunctional stripes.

B.W.: Again? I thought you liked purple.

ORTIZZLE: Well, clearly you do. And it's musty lavender, not purple. But that's not the problem. The problem is the fireflies that are crash-landing in the lilacs.

B.W.: Oh. You mean those nice peaches-n-cream stripes, edged in the finest lines of crimson?

ORTIZZLE: Those are the very ones.

B.W.: I thought the overall effect was exquisite, rather like a rare species of butterfly.

ORTIZZLE: Better let this one flutter by. It will never get you invited to tea at the Lepidoptera's.
B.W.: So I don't get an "A" for this cravat?

ORTIZZLE: Actually, you do get an "A," but in my rating chart, that's for "awful."

B.W.: Nance will be so disappointed.

ORTIZZLE: She's used to it. She loves you anyway, even if you do cause her to gnash her teeth more than you should. In any case, she's on vacation and is not responsible for the opinions expressed by third parties.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I Am Left Too Devastated For Even A Modicum Of Fashion Outrage. Alas!

* Obviously, July will not be much of an improvement over June, cravatically speaking. Brian, who broke not only the Simplest Rule of Fashion, but My Trust by repeating the Gadgety Tie of 25 June so quickly on 2 July has cavalierly and carelessly repeated it again tonight, 10 July, for those of you scoring at home. Had I enough energy left after sobbing and wailing and gnashing my teeth to summon any Fashion Outrage, I would vent it here. Alas! I have none. He has worn me out. No pun intended.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Urgent Plea To Brian: Just Stop Wearing It

Okay, so...thanks to an almost alarming closeup by The Nightly's cameraperson, I was able to see that The Picnic Tie is actually not gingham, but some odd kind of windowpane-esque print, but it is still a horrid, awful, tacky tie, not unlike the sportcoat of some guy named Mel with a greasy comb-over, who works at a small, suspect used car lot and encases himself in polyester and Sans-a-Belt and the requisite white loafers. It's just that terrible and Brian should just stop wearing it. Forever.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

It's A Reverse Tie, Not A VST, But Anything's Better Than A Reprise Of The Picnic Tie

This is the Reverse Tie of the 30 June tie. Rich, saturated purple is crossed with widely staggered gold stripes. Brian is still taunting us with these "Preview of the *VS" cravats, but at least they are palatable.

*Vintage Series

Monday, July 7, 2008

We Were Due


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A Devastating Repeat Cycle Dashes My Hopes For July

From the sublime to the ridiculous....Brian Williams built up my hopes to a breathless pinnacle of expectation for July only to dash them upon the excruciating rocks of a repeat cycle the likes of which we have not seen since, well, forget about it. With complete and utter disregard for not just Le Report de Cravate, mais moi aussi, Mr. Williams slung on the selfsame tie he wore on 25 June. This passable albeit casual tie of MS Windows blue with oddly skewed white squares with pinholed centers as its pattern is perfectly fine if one is making perhaps a nice set of cushions for the sunroom, or if one is whipping up a prairie skirt for one's niece who is in the Summer Theater production of "Oklahoma!". But as the Wednesday neckwear of NBC's national news anchorman, I'm not feeling it. Especially not when it's repeated so shamelessly.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Brian Steps It Up For July And Gets Me More Than A Little...Heated

In a bit of a departure from Business As Usual at The Tie Report, I feel compelled to comment on Brian's entire ensemble tonight, for I find it sexy and alluring. Not only is he looking fit and tanned, but the crispness of the white shirt, sharp cut of his black suit, and the snazzy claret tie with ivory dots rimmed ever-so-discreetly in ebony all combine to give him that JFK air. Bri looks Ivy League without appearing effete, smooth without seeming elitist, well-groomed without looking persnickety. And all the while, there is a real undercurrent of...well, let's just say that I kept thinking of this.