Friday, October 31, 2008

(Not-So) Happy Halloween

Brian decided to dress up for this Halloween. He came as Someone Who Does Not Care About Fashion and wore not only a hideous striped shirt, but the same solid purple tie he wore on Monday, October 27th. Well, the trick is on you, Brian Williams. My porch light is turned off, so NO TREATS!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I Question The Statement Tie

Ostentatiously wide stripes of navy and butter yellow make this a statement tie. Yet, what is that statement? Is it I'm an unabashed admirer of stripes, so deal with it ? Is it When it comes to fashion, I'm not afraid to get in your face ? Or is it merely Here is another one of my striped ties in the familiar blue-and-gold palette because I'm just not that adventurous when it comes to pattern and color ? Sadly, I think it is the latter. (And don't think that the odd, boxy knot with the strange creasing has ceased to distress me, Brian Williams, because it hasn't. That thing looks more and more to me like a clip-on tie each time you wear it!)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Mr. Williams Revisits The Neighborhood

Mr. Williams knots one up from the Mr. Rogers Collection, this one the staid stripe of navy blue with diagonals of silver bordered by a barely noticeable but dashing racer red. It's so terribly conservative and yawn-inspiring that I was honestly surprised to see it coupled with a suitcoat and not a cardigan sweater.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Autumnal Cravat Finds Favor

The Report won't find fault with this cravat. Its warm, cinnamon-spiked wine background has a light, rich sheen to it, and its porcelain white pinstriping looks almost structural. There is a real voluptuousness to this tie that reminds me of heady spice aromas like clove and mace; it makes me think of drinking mulled cider and cracking walnuts, and eating poached pears with honey after a meal of roasted meats and sweet potatoes. What an autumnal cravat!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Again With The Purple

If it's not striped, it's purple, and this one was the saturated raw silk solid red-violet one from Brian's Panoply O' Purples. It's very textured and deeply colored, so I can't get too annoyed with it. When I see it, I start thinking of melty grape popsicles that are just ready to fall off the stick and onto the hot sidewalk below, only because you've been wise enough to eat those last few bites bent waaay over, knowing that you're in a race against The Laws Of Physics themselves.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Algebraic Analogy Tie

Yawn. Brian continues to bore us all with his ties this month. Not only has October lacked variety, it has lacked panache et joie de vivre. This tie, the royal blue overlaid with miniscule grey is about as boring as sitting in my tenth grade Algebra II class listening to Mr. Adelsperger drone on and on about prime polynomials. I knew he was there and that he was talking, but for the life of me, I just couldn't work up the interest to care much about either of those facts, let alone about what he was carrying on about.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Report Is Moved To A Litany Of Sarcastic Queries

Really, Brian? Did you not just wear the companion tie to this one on Monday? Did someone send you an email asking if perhaps the color on their television sets was slightly off because it looked a little washed-out, and you wanted to assure them that, no, you had two ties which had purply backgrounds and black stripes outlined in white? That one of them—this one—was deep, royal purple, and the other one—20 October’s—has a lighter purple background? And that one of them—this one—has narrower stripes, and that the other one—20 October’s—has wider stripes? Or are you just that nonchalant about your tie selection?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Report Is Beginning To Get More Than A Little Cranky, And Is Ready To Bag October

Reporting live from Green, Ohio, did B.W. take the hint and wear tie? No. Instead, the Sultan of Stripes donned yet another of his endless brigade of banded cravats, this one the black and blue number that I used to like but now cringe at because (A) I'm sick of it; (B) the fabric looks sort of shiny and chintzy and cheap; (C) it usually dimples and knots a little oddly; and, (D) he invariably wears it with a not-so-companionable color palette. If Bri doesn't pull a major Coup de Cravate soon, I'm totally writing off October.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Brief Yet Courtly Interlude Inspired By Tonight's Cravat

Even though it is striped, I still approve of this tie. It has the generous cut of the Vintage Series and the color combination of midnight blue and kid glove grey is rather formal and sophisticated. There was a perfectly sized four-in-hand (so signature Brian!), and the fabric below the knot seemed to almost flow from it. The cravat has the feel of a formal wedding, and I could almost picture Brian bow slightly before me, offer me the crook of his arm, and smilingly ask, "Friend of the bride or friend of the groom?" as he got ready to escort me down the center aisle of the Cathedral.

Monday, October 20, 2008

This Tie Encapsulates Brian Williams' Entire Cravat Theme

Brian dons the companion tie of 8 October. This cravat is boysenberry crossed with widely staggered generous black stripes with slim white borders. The field color is quite lovely, but haven't we done the Purple & Stripes theme to death by now? I know I've had my fill when I'm starting to miss the corky brown, mysteriously vertically center-creased tie.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Oh, For The Love Of...@&*%$!!

TWSNLBRAINDTM. I know. Don't even say it.

*The Tie Report will be on hiatus for a few days while I am away on a jaunt. Reporting will recommence on Monday.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Favorite Tie Evokes A Cozy Evening

Long a favorite of Report Readers, this cranberry cravat sprinkled with ebony edged, ivory polka dots was a welcome respite from the dismal parade of terrible ties lately sported by Brian. After the endless dirge of blue, purple, and stripes, this was as warm and cheering as a drink of mulled wine while snuggled under a cuddly afghan, legs curled up on the couch, chunky volume in hand, everyone else gone for the evening...just you, that good book, a good drink...a good time.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Difficult Tie Puts The Report At A Disadvantage

Oh, this tie, Brian Williams. It’s such a...difficult tie. It’s royal blue, and it has a sort of teensy little checkery pattern laid over it that looks to be grey, but who can really tell? It’s so subtle and barely-there that it hardly warrants mentioning except that...well, it is there after all, and it’s not even attractive, nor does it look as if it’s actually woven into the fabric, more like it’s stamped on. What kind of a thing is this, Brian Williams? It’s kind of like when your weird Aunt Thelma brings an awful green Jell-O salad to the reunion, and it’s got all kinds of terrible things suspended inside it like small bits of celery and peaches and cheese cubes, but your mother has to put it out, or it would be rude.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Tricky Camouflage Cravat

* Reporting from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Brian must have taken his cue from his surroundings of grey plastic computer and monitor casings and constantly running blue display screens. It was almost a cravate de trompe l'oeil, for it had a grey satiny background with true blue narrow stripes, widely staggered. If one did not look closely, it merely blended in with his surroundings, the Nightly News graphics, and the endless, tiresome parade of striped ties that Brian has marched before us this month thus far.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Ambien Tie

Feh. I'm just not feeling this tie, Brian Williams. The color palette: seen it--deep navy and wan gold. The pattern: seen it, too--striped. The knot: yadda yadda--four-in-hand, a little small and tight for the width of this cravat. I suppose when the national news itself is so jarring and shocking, a bold and assertive tie might be too much, but this one was downright soporific.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Purple But Not Pedestrian

Brian’s penchant for purple is well known, and this cravat makes better use of it than most. Royal violet is crossed diagonally by narrow ebony stripes, each bordered by slim line of white. This tie is bold, yet not audacious; sophisticated, yet not particularly stylish; Main Street, yet not Peoria.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

A Very Smart And Snazzy Tie

Brisk and snappy with an air of elitism, that's Brian's tie this evening. Its deep, dark navy silk was crossed with narrow ribbony stripes of pearly white and knotted firmly with a precise dimple. It is a cross between a crewcut military officer and a particularly crisp country club maitre d' who, being told that your party is now five instead of four, raises one eyebrow fleetingly, imperceptibly nods to someone, and in one motion takes up another menu, makes a notation in the book, leans in to speak to your waiter, and hands a long-stemmed red rose to your mother.

Friday, October 3, 2008

October Is Looking Pretty Dim As This Tacky And Cheap Tie Makes An Unfortunate Appearance

Looks like the Bailout has already hit someone's wallet--Brian's tie appears to be a Dollar Store find. Its garish orchid background and narrow white stripes just look plain cheap, no matter what the fabric might be. From my vantage point, it looked like a poly-rayon blend. This horrid cravat reminded me of tacky summer rompers that were labeled 2 for 1 Irr. at Woolworth's before it closed at our local mall. Those hideous things had puffy sleeves and were fine--if your baby was crooked, never moved, or had one limb significantly skinnier than the other. Yuck.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Politically Correct And...Yawn

Brian Williams wears une cravate politique ce soir. Its moderate stripes of republican red and Democrat blue herald the upcoming vice presidential debate as well as provide a much-needed respite from the recent spate of purple solid ties. It is, however, another selection from what I now like to call his Mr. Rogers Line. This one, of course, would be called something like "Bold and Daring." Yowza.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

And Then The World Blew Up

In a stunning and unprecedented Repeat Cycle of Cataclysmic Proportions, Brian Williams wears the violet solid tie. Which he just wore on 29 September. Two days ago! FOR THOSE OF YOU SCORING AT HOME! WHICH WOULD BE ME!!!


(And the dimple, again, was way too big and deep.)