Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Conundrum, With Parentheses

This evening, Brian knots up a silk tie narrowly striped with the colors of champagne and caviar. Oddly, he paired it with a shirt of palest blue. Qu'est que c'est? Has Brian been watching Stacy and Clinton, and mistakenly thinks that the shirt is "popping" this ensemble? Did he have an unfortunate incident with his Usual White Shirt and have to go to the Emergency Shirt hanging in the NBC Newsroom? Or, did he perhaps have a Catastrophe du Cravate and have to go to the BackupTie? You know, the One Which Goes With Everything (Well, Almost)? Ah, the dreaded Parenthetical Exception strikes again.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Oh Happy Day!

How very exciting for The Tie Report! Brian repeats his one and only Green Tie, heretofore only worn on St. Patrick's Day. So welcome was the sight of its warm, forest green stripe nestled verdant against the navy that I scarcely cared that it was in the same old template as so many of his other bestriped cravats. I contented myself with its grassy lushness and the precision of its knot and dimple. Bliss!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Tim Russert Sweetshop Tie

Brian ties on a not often seen cravat narrowly striped with bands of sky and navy. I like to refer to it as his Tim Russert Tie because the aforementioned journalist has one exactly like it although he does not wear it with nearly the neatness or panache that BW does. This pleasant tie reminds me of those tall, twisty lollipops that are often found on tree-like displays in sweetshops and specialty gift boutiques. I, however, never eat blue things; they leave my tongue unsightly.

Friday, April 25, 2008

In Which I Drop Not Only A Designer, But The Pontiff

Brian does not have many polka-dotted ties, and this one is truly pleasant. Its warm, cinnamon-scarlet background has just a hint of a jacquard pattern that gives it depth and richness, and its ivory dots are tastefully small. It has just enough flirtation to keep it from being too serious, sort of like the Pope's red Prada slip-ons.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Consider This...Twilight Zone Tie

Feeling bold and graphic, Brian chose one of his eleventy billion black and white striped ties this evening. It was the black one with the narrow white stripes. Or, perhaps it was the white one with the overly-broad black stripes. I just blew your mind!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Une Poeme Du Cravate (Mainly Because I Am So Bored By Brian's Tie Selection As Of Late)

I feel like this cravat has been getting an awful lot of wear lately, and I am definitely running out of ways to describe it. Perhaps a small poem:

This tie is striped
with black and with blue;
in addition to boring me,
it was rather askew.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Oh my word. What to make of this dramatic full-frontal assault on my fashion sense? Was it bold and dramatic, or was it garish and unfortunate? Certainly the colors weren't unusual: butter yellow and deepest navy. But the Great Plains-sized swaths of them were. Good heavens, those stripes were so wide, so vast, so capacious that they strained the very time-space continuum. They were almost panoramic in their scope. Is this what the farmlands of Kansas or Iowa look like from the pilot's vantage point on a cross-country flight? Or the scarred landscapes of strip-mining? Or perhaps the ancient runways of extraterrestrials viewed from space? I don't know, but I don't like it on Brian Williams' tie.

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Familiar Pattern Gives This Tie A Pass

I like this rather staid and serious tie. The background is a frosty pale hyacinth, and the print is as if someone dipped a Cheerio in Bic blue ink and used it as a stamp, closely pressing it all over. It's not a very fashion-forward tie, but it makes me smile. My dad had a pair of boxer shorts that looked exactly like this pattern, and I miss him. How's that for a strange little detour off the Brian Williams Tie Report Path?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Vermicular Tie Is Simply Off-Putting

* Wow. We're certainly seeing a lot of this off-putting tie since its debut a month ago. The miniscule pattern of it is so tiny as to render it trivial; it is its queasy color that makes it so nauseating. It makes me think of big, bloated nightcrawlers pulsating in a white styrofoam bait cup. Urk.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Certain Kind Of Red Can Save A Striped Tie

Brian dons his navy blue tie with the narrow jaunty red stripe. I like this tie. A lot. That red is perky and fun and a little bit daring. It makes me think of a little redheaded kid stealing a cooky off the dessert table at a family reunion, or that sneaky little cutie-pie who blows out the candles on some other kid's birthday cake. Or catching Grandpa cheating at Yahtzee, but not telling anyone. That kind of red.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

One Too Many Trips To The Well

Honestly, I'm running out of ways to describe this striped tie of blue and black. How many ways can you say, "It's a black and blue tie" without falling into the obvious bruise metaphor? (Which I've avoided, by the way.) It's a perfectly nice tie, a little debonair looking, sort of sophisticated since it bends that old fashion rule of not pairing dark blue and black, but when you get right down to it, it's another striped tie. Not like we haven't seen that before.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Brian Embraces His Inner Child...?

This tie is such an odd thing to me. It's got the formal-looking pale gold as a predominant color, but then it has those big, snazzy stripes which look like brand-new interstates crossing it at wide intervals. That jarring black with white center stripe automatically makes me think "Hot Wheel Racetrack!" I wonder if that's what Brian Williams secretly calls it, his Hot Wheels Racetrack Tie. I can just see him standing in front of the big mirror at his closet, pondering his cravat choice and saying to Mrs. Williams, "Hey, hon. Scoot in there and grab me my Hot Wheels Racetrack Tie for tonight's broadcast. I'm feeling kinda zippy!"

Monday, April 14, 2008

We Were Due...


Friday, April 11, 2008

When Is A Tie Report Not A Report? See Below

* A leisurely dinner (and two martinis) out last night precluded a live viewing, and I am left conflicted by tonight's cravat. Is it an ill-advised premature repeat of 26 March's lilac matte silk, or is this actually the periwinkle solid, which has been acceptably out of the rotation for quite some time? Such is the dilemma which presents itself when one is forced to view the subtleties of color on the small screen. Alas! This is, therefore, a non-report. Je suis desolee.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Yada Yada Yada

Due to Brian Williams's constant reliance on the banal duo of navy and gold, his preponderance of striped ties, and the flagrant (and historic) repeat cycle of 2/11, 2/19, 2/28, 3/4 of this particular cravat, I am compelled to fall back on a Seinfeld Classic--The Yada Yada: pale gold, navy blue...yada yada yada, prep-school headmaster.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Bri Goes For Trendy?

It was a clash of two worlds this evening over at The Nightly, as Bri knotted up his casual chambray blue with navy polka-dots cravat and paired it--rather alarmingly--with a crisp white shirt and dashing black jacket. This sort of paradoxical-looking, H&M-esque trendiness is a little off-putting for a staid, responsible news journalist. It evokes more of a ditzy Annie Hall aura rather than a stolid Walter Cronkite. What's next, the double polo shirt with popped collar? Perish the thought!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Gutsy Tie, Brian, And I Mean That Most Literally

Let's not even discuss the repeat cycle this awful tie has been in since it debuted 21 March. The color alone is fodder enough for...dissection. And what an apt word, for this cravat brings nothing more distinctly to mind than anatomical innards. All I can think of are the plastinated muscles and mucous membranes of various donors put on display in the fascinatingly morbid travelling shows like BodyWorlds, in which the skin is flayed and cadavers are posed as if playing soccer or running or, in one memorable tableau, riding a plastinated peeled horse. This tie looks like biceps, triceps, lips, and tongues. It is the same queasy color as lungs and tracheas and, heaven help us, uvulae. And, that deep, teardrop-shaped dimple? Well...I'll let all of you explore that possible analogy.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Quelle Horreur! A Tie Which Is Less Than Sartorially Splendid

Oh, horrors! Not only has Brian stooped to select from the Lower Tier of Taste for this one, he has rummaged through its hamper and delivered up from its depths, for this cravat is most distinctly rumpled. Cheap fabric, gaudy blue, and the triads of skinny white stripes all combine to make this not just a tacky looking tie, but also one that an indulgent Mumsy might choose for her little Biffie to wear in the Junior Yachting Club Annual Spring Young Gentlemen's Flotilla picture. Perhaps I could have stomached this tie were it in a pristinely pressed, jauntily knotted state, but really--creased in the middle and decidedly unkempt? I. Think. Not.

Friday, April 4, 2008

It Was A Dark And Stormy Tie

An old standby for Brian Williams this evening, and there will be no complaints from The Report. This dramatic cravat of violet blue and ebony stripes is evocative of stormy skyscapes, satin-lined opera capes, and the purpled prose descriptions of Gothic heroines. A very Bulwer-Lytton sort of tie.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Merci, Garcon. Le Cravate Du Monsieur Williams Est Bien Ce Soir, Non?

Stripes continue in abundance, and thankfully, so does tastefulness, as tonight Brian knots up a lovely silk cravat of sable and stone. A soft sheen renders this tie elegant and formal, and it brings to mind the soft clink of crystal and silver on heavy damask as solicitous waiters bend at the waist, serving on the left and clearing from the right.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Brian Rebounds With A Long-Lost Cravat Surprise

Brian, seeing the Error Of His Ways, takes out a tie not heretofore seen since 3 September 2007 in order to mollify The Tie Report. Cela est bien! This cravat of fawn and cornflower stripes is a welcome sight since absence has made the heart grow fonder, and the impeccable funnel-shaped knot, expertly and tightly tied, is a joy to behold. This color combination is so pleasant, reminiscent as it is of a sparkling mountain lake and cool pebble shore. So harmonious and refreshing.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April IS The Cruelest Month...Brian Plays A Joke On The Tie Report

Oh, ha ha, Brian Williams. A little April Fool's joke on The Tie Report. "Oh, let's repeat yet another hideous tie from The Lower Tier of Taste in flagrantly rapid succession and see what She does," you probably said, chuckling snidely to your assistant, or perhaps to Mrs. Brian Williams Herself. "Do, let's!" MBWH probably said sinisterly and with a girlish giggle, skipping with maniacal glee to your armoire de cravates, where she selected the heinous Tribute To Dora The Explorer Tie from 25 March, just 5 ties ago!!! And the two of you stood in the mirror, conspiratorially winking at one another as you knotted up this violet blue monstrosity with anemic stripes of horridly vivid Play-Doh pink. Oh, the cruelty of it all!