Thursday, April 30, 2009


This pleasant stripe of Wedgwood blue and sandstone blush is a welcome respite this evening. I can almost feel the cool, yet slightly humid breeze as it skims the lake. The sky blazes, brassy and cloudless, as a little girl in a summery sundress dips her sand pail at the water's edge again. She draws up a sloshing bucketful and pours it onto the small mound of sand she's been forming up into a sort of castle, built more by her boundless imagination than the tiny hands hard at work under her mother's watchful gaze.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In Which I Am Not Only Keeping Score, But I Am Also Disappointed And Melting...Melting...Melting...

Brian is locked in a Repeat Cycle of Irksome Proportions in so very many ways, dear readers. In less than two weeks, we have seen this salmon and grey striped tie three times now. Add this criminal faux pas to his penchant for Tie Twinning and the redundancy factor becomes Brobdingnagian. My disappointment can best be described in tonight's metaphor: the rivulets from a slowly melting scoop of orange sherbet on the hot cement sidewalk. Sigh.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Know I Enjoy A Martini Every Now And Then, But Now I'm Seeing Double When I'm Sober

* Debut Tie. I'm reporting live from the CDC, Cravat Duplication Center, where tonight, authorities have made the decision to raise the Alert Level to "Severe" in the wake of Brian Williams' tie selection which is, yet again, a variation of one already in his cravat wardrobe. This evening's tie of whisper-pale lemon yellow surmounted by a pattern of elephant grey circles with pinhole centers is an echo of last Thursday's tie, albeit a far more pleasantly sedate version. Authorities here wish to state for the record that, while this is a rising concern, there is no need for Widespread Fashion Panic. Thus far, they have not seen this malady make the jump from this particular newsman to, say, Keith Olbermann or even Robert Bazell (whose snazzy grey ensemble left The Report feeling a bit wistful).

Monday, April 27, 2009

No Need To Don A Mask, But The Report Is A Bit Under The Weather, And Goes To The Archives For Tonight's Critique

We here at The Report find ourselves a bit under the weather; therefore, we beg your indulgence and ask you to enjoy this Classic Cravat Critique for tonight's tie, which Debuted back on 10 November 2008. Time has not lent it any charm.

The Report is reeling from the Fashion Fiasco that is tonight's tie. Nothing--absolutely nothing--could have prepared The Nightly's viewers for the almost phosphorescent glow of garish orchid. And worse! Those Crayola blue stripes that seemed to run and blur at the right edge of this unholy cravat gave the whole broadcast a weird, Dali-esque vibe, and I kept watching and waiting for the rest of his tie to start melting and running off his shirt and onto the news desk into a puddle of purple and blue.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Esta Corbata También Llega A Ser Pesada Y Es Muy Púrpura.

True, we were overdue for a Purple and a Stripe, but to be frank, this one is starting to bore me with its violet background and wide black bands narrowly bordered with white. Speaking of borders, though, this cravat is starting to remind me of those Mexican serapes that some people like to wear. You know the ones I mean--those heavily woven kind that look itchy and uncomfortable and a little knobbly? Bri's tie is satin, but the, see for yourself.

*Title is courtesy, so don't judge. Spanish is NOT my forte.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Your Tie Has Become Tiresome

It's just that this tie is So Very Shiny. The cornflower blue is okay, and I can even forgive the claustrophobically close pattern of miniature CDs. But, must they be silver? The whole thing makes me want to be rigid and techno, like a bad robo-version of SNL's "Sprockets" in which the host, Dieter, opens his own music store and whenever a customer comes in and asks, "Hey, what's that song you're playing?" Dieter rushes to the CD player, grabs the disc out of it, and in a fit of pique nails it to the wall. He then turns to the hapless questioner and says, "Your terror is gorgeous. Now we dance!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Cravatical Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea

It's Earth Day, and Brian Williams celebrates with a dark marine blue tie with narrow pearl white stripes, widely staggered. This cravat is like peering into the depths of the sea, down, down, still farther down until all that can inhabit its cold stillness are thready-tentacled creatures whose flagellae are a light-starved white, as if they subsist on the silent darkness itself.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Guest Reporter Of Sorts From The Annals Of American History Weighs In On This Most Egregious (And Odious) Of Repeat Cycles

Brian Williams would do well to remember the words of American statesman Benjamin Franklin who said, "Fish and visitors smell in three days." Tonight, Mr. Williams, television news anchor and sometime fashion disappointment, again wore his once-new and now sadly tedious and played-out salmon and grey striped cravat, just worn on Friday, April 17. How incredibly apt the fish/salmon metaphor seems now within the context of the Franklin aphorism! Would that wisdom were catching....

Monday, April 20, 2009

One Order Of Frog Sticks, And Hemorrhage 'Em In The Alley For Tonight's Report

This cravat has been called into heavy rotation in less than a month. Its stripes of silver grey and leather red lend it a Vintage Air. This necktie made me want to stop at a diner, maybe take a spin on one of those red and chrome stools, and get a big plate of handcut fries with a load of ketchup. (If you're having a cheeseburger, I'll take a bite of yours. Make sure it's medium rare, extra pickles.)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Having A Wonderful Time. Wish You Were Here

Brian knots up, for the second time only, this salmon pink and grey striped cravat. Aside from the fish itself, that color is also evocative of those technicolor postcards from Florida, luring Snowbirds like me with their vision of a cinematic sunset of impossible hues.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Brian Cannot Seem To Put Together A Decent Run Of Good Ties, And I Have Become A Bit Snippy (And Retro)

Oh my. Was it really, fundamentally, a midnight blue and white checked tie? Really? As I watched, all I could think of was fresh-faced forties pin-up girls wearing checkered halter tops or those checkered halter one-piece short outfits--showing off their gams--posed in front of carefully placed hay bales or leaning sort of provocatively against a piece of barn siding. They were supposed to look wholesomely sexy, you know, like the girl next-door, and the checkery pattern was all part of the ploy. So, Brian Williams, just what are you selling us behind that innocent-looking cravat?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

This Cravat Is Tres Bien To The Last Drop

It was only a week ago that Brian debuted this cravat, but after last night's Tie Travesty, we here at The Report are willing to overlook this rapid repeat. After all, a second viewing of this lovely blend of rich almond cream and dark espresso stripes is most welcome. It's very like that fragrant cup of French Roast at the end of a satisfying meal, dark until you pour the luxurious cream, watching as its clouds mix and blend in a small tempest of contentment.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Not So Much A Cravat As A Faux Pas

Ouch. There's a reason that Crayola retired this color back in 2000. Would that BriWi had done the same with this tie, the thistle solid silk. Not many other hues screech "cheap and tacky" so immediately as this. There's just something so very Spray Cheese And Beer Wedding Reception about it; it's a color that hollers, "Looky here, these ones are two for one and they're only a little dented!" It's a color that we all try not to make eye contact with, but murmur our pleasantries to the host, and then at the first decent and gracious opportunity, flee as if our social lives depended on it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

This Blue Cravat Is As Pretty As A Picture

What a lovely tie! This stripe was a symphony of creamy pale sky and cadet blue with a perfectly executed four-in-hand and impeccably shaped and centred dimple. Silk coloured like this would usually be found on fanciful waistcoats worn by cunning little mice, or twirled as frilly parasols by aristocratic bunnies in those gorgeously inked illustrations of keepsake storybooks like The Wind in the Willows or anything done by Beatrix Potter.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Brian Debuts A Somewhat Contrasting Cravat, Complete With Baby Farm Animals And A Road Trip (Now You Just Have To Read!)

Debut Tie. Back in the 80s when the Economy had taken a downturn before, Rick and I used to take long drives and stop at odd places for entertainment. One such place was a Landmark Feed Store, where every once in a while there would be cage-pens full of tiny chicks and waddling, beeping baby ducks. Tonight, Brian's tie reminded me of that experience with its metal grey and soft yellow stripes.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Report Decides It's Time For An Intervention Of Sorts; After All, We All Want To Be Sure

"Well, it's nothing specific, Dr. Kelly, it's just that I can't seem to trust my eyes anymore....I mean, take, for instance, Brian Williams's ties lately. Every single one he wears looks navy blue! Tonight's tie had to be--if it was what I think I saw, anyway--the single most boring tie in the History Of Ties. Dark navy blue. Narrow white stripes at wide intervals. I mean, my God! He was even wearing it with a navy blue suit! It's like he's not even trying ANY MORE! HE'S--WHAT! What? Oh. Um...A...F...erm...I think...Q..."

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Just The Facts, Ma'am

It's Back To Basics at The Nightly for Brian Williams tonight as he knots up the solid violet tie. Nothing fancy here: tight four-in-hand? dimple to knot ratio? matte silk? requisite purpleness? Check, check, check, and...check.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Une Cravate Du La Pâtisserie Ou La Confiserie

Debut Tie. A tough call to make at The Report this evening, even with the tight shots from the so-obliging Nightly cameraperson. I'm characterizing this cravat as a stripe of deepest chestnut and mellow cream. It was absolutely delicious looking, like a dark chocolate-covered French nougat bitten in half revealing its creamy centre, or lovely eclairs de chocolat, layered in sweet and gooey goodness. (The rest of l'ensemble left much to be desired, but la cravate était somptueuse!)

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Am Pushed To The Limit, And I Want My Freedom

Pushing the limits of The Report's good humour, Mr. Williams repeats the cravat of 27 March, the stripe of silver and sanguinary red. Irked as I am by not only this rapid repetition, but also by a blast of arctic weather and a late spring break, not to mention a few glimpses of Braveheart as I channel-surfed this weekend, and I'm feeling a bit violent. This evening's cravat is starting to look an awful lot like an upraised battle sword, fresh from the bowels of its adversary, hilts streaming blood as the wielder makes ready to run through yet another offender. (Probably someone who used the wrong form of "there" or made a noun plural with an apostrophe or, heaven help us, said "irregardless." Quelle horreur!)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Somewhere Over The Thames, BW's Cravat Could Actually Be Seen

*Debut Tie. Fie, Brian Williams! Must you debut a tie when I am held hostage by Parent Conferences and can only view it on my computer screen? And must you obscure said Debut Tie with an overcoat and poorly-lit outdoor set? All I could manage to discern was: black, possible white checkerboardish pattern, or maybe flattish disks in checkerboardish array alternating white and grey. This is highly unsatisfactory. This cravat has potential as a Strong Performer, despite the fact that it made me think of old black and white footage of Judy Garland, dressed in a black sequined dress, singing boozy ballads.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

BWI To CLE Cravat

Brian ushers in a new month wearing his deep indigo tie with tiny white dots in martial array. This cravat is like being in the window seat on the late night flight. As your plane banks into the final turn to make its descent, you take a look outside and see row upon row of starlike lights illuminating the airport parking lot. In the dark, just for a moment, it is as if you may never reach the ground.