Friday, October 23, 2009

Before The Rush

In a tie such as this, with its slender sea blue and white stripes, one can hear the snap of pristine linen as it is readied for a table for two. The snowy cloth and its quiet silver sconce are snugged under a wide window overlooking the water, blue and inviting, glimmering in the waning moments of the late afternoon. The dining room is quietly empty, awaiting guests and the accompanying murmurs of conversation, the ballet of waiters, and the soft jazz of the bar.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


"Hello, Miss Paloma. Before we begin, I'd like to say that I'm here because I got this Fashion Consultation as a gift. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with the way I dress. For example, this tie here. I happen to like it quite a lot. Nice purplish with blackish-bluish sorta stripes with some more whitish skinnier stripes on either side of those. Don't you think purple is a pretty big stylish color? I mean, it's not like it's just a blue tie or something. Or brown. After all, I'm a serious news man. I have bigger things to think about than---what's that? Yes, I know I have a lot of purple ties. Yes, and a lot of striped ties. No, I don't have any paisley ties. Green? Ummm...I'd rather not talk about that color; I have a bad association there. Website? What website?”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just In The Nick Of Time! Thank You, Nightly Cameraperson.

What a sneaky tie this is, with its barely discernible pattern of subtle charcoal houndstooth (checks?) upon a field of violet blue. Perhaps, Dear Viewer, you did as I did, and began wailing and gnashing your teeth, thinking as you strode innocently into your Television Room, that Brian was wearing Yet Again The Solid Purple Tie. And as you irefully picked up your sofa cushion to fling wrathfully against the screen, you suddenly became becalmed--oh, just a modicum--because The Nightly's Cameraperson deftly zoomed in for a Seventh-Cavalry-Serendipitous Closeup, and saved the day. (And your telly.)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Even This Would Not Be A Good Enough Excuse

Brian Williams apparently went out to a friend's oceanside home yesterday evening after work and, after a lovely clambake and a bit too much to drink, fell asleep on the verandah. Awakened late by the cries of the seabirds, he hurriedly yanked loose a strip of the canvas awning and fashioned it into an ersatz cravat. Rumpled as it was, he knew that its wrinkles were the least of its faults: the cornflower blue and trios of narrow white stripes--clearly not in an autumnal palette--would doom it at The Report.

Monday, October 19, 2009

In Which I Struggle Mightily Through My Disgust And Dismay And Manage Two Pop Culture References et Francais Pour Vous

Après une petites vacances Brian returns to The Nightly and, in a regrettable moment, stoops to select from the Lower Tier Of Taste for his homecoming cravat. How painful it is to describe its almost reflective violet red and silver retro-mod checkerboard pattern that seemed to clot and merge at the edges. As the camera zoomed in for a closeup, I wasn't sure if I was looking at a fabric swatch for furniture on the Star Trek Nail Salon or the padded headboard in Austin Powers' new tricked-out van.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Regrettably, Brian Williams has entered not only another Repeat Cycle Of Gargantuan Proportion, but has ATTACK OF THE SOLID PURPLE TIE!!!!!!!!also begun yet another Run Of The Purples as he has slung on the dreaded solid purple tie. Yes, he did just wear a solid purple tie on 6 October, ATTACK OF THE SOLID PURPLE TIE!!!!!!!!!!! and yes, he did just wear it right before that on 2 October and again on 28 September. ATTACK OF THE SOLID PURPLE TIE!!!!!!!!!! It would seem that there is nothing we can do.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Recovery, Or We Pick Ourselves Up, Dust Ourselves Off, And Start All Over Again With A Much Nicer Cravat

Debut Tie. Quickly rebounding from an early Fashion Falter this month, Brian dons a very stylish cravat of whispery pale blue with petite dark circlets. The knot is perfect, as is its dimple. This tie is the frosty snap in the air after the first snow, the cool freshness of wintergreen, and the glint of the silvery sliver of the moon behind heavy night clouds.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Je Suis Fatiguee, And This Tie Is Not Helping

The Report apologizes for the tardiness of this latest report as we attempt to recover from not only an attack of exhaustion but also la cravate ce soir. Certainly we have become...mercurial regarding this wide-striped tie of butter yellow and deep navy. But last night's lighting rendered it tres ...bumblebee-esque, and the accompanying suitcoat and shirt were, shall we say, not the best accoutrements. Hopes dim for October.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

In Which The Report Does Its Best Cher Impression (From "Moonstruck")

October is really starting to be Rerun Month. Just five ties ago, Brian tossed on this same purple tie, and I waxed poetic over it and its dimple. Now, I'm so over it. C'mon, Bri, what's the deal over there, anyway? Are you just feeling a little Fashion Fatigue? Are you Sartorially Sluggish? Perhaps a bit Stylistically Stale? Well...SNAP OUT OF IT!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Brian Brings Out The Kid In Me, And Not In A Good Way

Hate to be petulant, pet, but I'm downright sick of this cravat. You've slung it on four times now since 11 August, and that's just a bit much. I used to like looking at its midnight blue background and those slim pale pink stripes, but now? I feel like I did when the neighbor lady kept showing up each time my dad slapped sirloins on the grill. She would pull a pouty little face and start whimpering about her kids and her lousy ex-husband and her food stamps. Next thing you know, my steak got smaller. Funny, her kids still wore great-looking shoes and clothes and stopped the popsicle guy every time he came down the street. Put the tie away, Brian, and let me have my steak.

Friday, October 2, 2009

A Tasteful Experience

A bit soon for another Solid Purple, dear heart, but we will forgive. Our discerning eye notes la différence between this cravat and Tuesday's. Tonight we see a handwoven basket heaped with rich plums, redolent with juice. We take one, buff its thin skin gently upon our jacket and take a bite. With one snap, the musky sweetness explodes upon our tastebuds and the nectar, like the stored sunshine now harvested, bursts forth. Donc délicieux.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Dignified Tie

* Tonight's cravat is a lovely stripe of smoky lilac and eggplant. It has an air of somber gravitas to it, a dignified and sedate mien, like a solitary elderly woman coming down the church steps on a rainy day. She wears a dark violet hat with a half-veil, and in her hand she carries one pale lavender rose. She opens the iron gate of the adjoining cemetery and walks inside, unhurried despite the steady, soft shower. Carefully, almost ceremoniously, she pulls the gate shut behind her. She makes her way determinedly to a neat plot with a plain headstone of smooth granite. She pats the stone meditatively, places the rose carefully upon the grassy blanket beneath, gives a small wave, and turns to go.