Time For A Little Report Card

Quickly placed into the rotation is this bold new offering, the burnished bittersweet cravat with pale storm blue stripes, widely staggered and alternating with a pinstripe of the same hue. In the spirit of the season, we offer a

Report Card:
Dimples: A
Fashion Credibility: B+
Style Statement: A-
Williams Wearability: C

Assessment: This tie, although it takes a bold fashion risk and is impeccably tied, is not doing anything for its wearer. Above all else, fashion's Number One Job is to enhance the attractiveness of the person wearing it. This cravat, though of good quality and interesting color/pattern, isn't entirely suitable for Mr. Williams.

This Tie Looks A Bit Too "Budget" To Be Successfully "Vintage", But Boy, Is It BLUE

Certainly one could not miss this evening's cravat. Baby blue crossed by narrow pearl stripes bordered in navy, this tie consumed every shot it was in with its massive blueness. That pastel blue...it was like a bad seventies prom tux, or (horrors!) a leisure suit worn with a pair of white patent loafers and a big, wide white belt. I wonder if Bri went on a little jaunt to Boca and walked around some flea markets or went to a few "tag sales." Because this tie...oy.

La Cravate Du Ce Soir Est Une Chanson De Printemps

Brian's tie tonight is a soft zephyr of spring. Stripes of pale yellow and soft grey gently harmonize, like the trill of songbirds ushering in the twilight. This cravat is reminiscent of the American Goldfinch female, whose melody is as rich and true as that of her more ostentatious partner, but whose plumage is more demure.

Brian Is A LeBron James Fan, But We Are Keeping It On The Downlow

This somewhat anachronistic tie is seeing heavy rotation this spring, having just had outings on 12 May and 1 May. Might be time for Brian to stow it lovingly away until perhaps October, when its burgundy background scattered with medallions of nondescript neutral rimmed in black will seem more seasonal. Yet...maybe BW is surreptitiously rooting on The Report's home team in the NBA playoffs! Yes! That must be it! GO CAVS!

A Night--And A Cravat--To Remember

The Report begs your indulgence as things become busy near the end of the school year. Please enjoy this Classic Cravat Critique from 25 February:

Narrow icy pink stripes with a nuance of lilac cross a midnight blue field in tonight's dramatic and lovely cravat. I think of an elegant soiree, with tuxedoed men twirling gowned women wearing satin and silk. A few couples, heady with champagne and romance, sashay out onto the terrace to gaze at the stars in the night sky while enjoying the scent of gorgeous pink climbing roses on the balcony rail.

A "Warning": The Report And Brian Are Feeling A Bit Of Their Oats Perhaps

Debut Tie.
When I am an older man I shall wear orange
With an icy hyacinth blue stripe that doesn't suit me.
And I shall wear this cravat of roasted carrots proudly
On television, even while forecasting the gloom and doom
Of the American Economy, and revel in its double dimples.
I shall bask in its bold and daring
And slyly wonder at The Report's reaction:
Will she skewer me for its garish audacity or
Reward me for its daring fashion risk and see that
I've tossed my Ivy League Conservativism to the
Winds Of Turning Fifty?

*a nod to Ms. Jenny Joseph

The Report Hopes You've Got A Current Passport To Follow Its Favourite Tie

The distinguished traveller stepped into the quiet, dim pub, blinking a bit after walking a while in the bright Dublin sunshine. Well-dressed, but with a twinkle in his blue eyes that had to be a wee bit o' The Irish, he exchanged pleasantries with the barman, loosened his striped tie, and had a few pulls on a pint that had quite a bit in common with said cravat.

Once Upon A Purple Time...

It's the Starter Tie this evening for Brian Williams: a solid matte silk cravat of violet. It's easy to think of its namesake, that lovely messenger of the season, appearing so vivid and bold among the early green of Spring's coverlets. I remember so well being charmed by violets; I dug a few clumps and lovingly transplanted them to my own side yard, knowing I'd anxiously peer out after the first few warm days of April, hoping for their promises of Winter's end. Like Brian's Penchant For Purple, however, it didn't take long for these hardy harbingers to multiply and spread, and I soon had more of them than I cared for, too. Thus ends my Fable Of The Violets.

Methinks Brian Williams Was Driving At Something With Tonight's Cravat Selection

Tonight, Brian Williams has tried to placate The Report by returning to a safe haven, a Cravat Of Confidence after last night's Devastating Debacle. He chose the warm claret intarsia sparsely sprinkled with heathery grey dots rimmed in black. After a couple of commercial breaks, I made an immediate connection: to this, and this, and this. Product Placement has hit The Nightly!

I Am Driven To Distraction And To The Depths Of...Well, Just Read!

I'm sorry, but I'm not even going to attempt to describe the pattern or color of this tie because I was far too distracted by the Chasm Of Despair that was its seven inch "dimple," turning it into a bifurcated fabric Highway To Fashion Armageddon. What on earth was that? This cravat canyon was like a snuggly place for a baby kangaroo or a perhaps a stash for a post-Nightly snack burrito or...something. Oh, the agony.

Here's Hoping That The Old Adage Is True: Bad Things Occur In Threes..And Then It's Over

Debut Tie. At least, sort of. This tie is the third of what was obviously a Bulk Buy at Ties-R-Us, as it is the same pattern as the ties of 4-23 and 4-28. This time, the background is maroon and the pinhole circles are ash grey. Doesn't matter. It's a hideous reminder of not only the dreaded Picnic Tie from the Axis of Evil, but also oddly reminiscent of an illustration from my old anatomy text. It showed rafts of white blood cells (lymphocytes? leukocytes?) zooming through a vein (artery?), on their way to combat infection. I'll leave all of you to make the obvious analogy.

A Spring Debut (And Aren't We Glad That Someone Went Shopping?)

Debut Tie. Slender frosty stripes herald Spring in tonight's cravat. The blue of a welcome robin's eggs, the pale yellow of nodding jonquils greeting the season's warm breezes harmonize in this silken symphony.

Brian Is A Fashion Plate

Brian's tie tonight is a real tour de force. It combines a retro color palette with a fashion-forward, couture edge that gets a thumbs-up from The Report. The bold stripes of lilac blush and black are just wide enough to be eyebrow-raising, and its ribbon-like sheen gave it a bit of cinematic presence. Indeed, it made me think immediately of this. (But in a really good, somehow totally masculine way.)

The Report apologizes for its lack of a Report on Monday. Illness made it impossible for a proper viewing both "live" and on the webcast. Thank you for your understanding.

Brian--Never Bound By The Arbitrary Seasonal Dictates Of Fashion--Reprises A Rather Wintry Cravat Ce Soir, And I Feel Wistful

* Brian's tie tonight is a bit warm and wintry for the first day of May. Its garnet field with white pinstriping has an almost holiday look. But I like this tie, even though it reminds me of all kinds of things I was never allowed to have as a child: red and white striped toothpaste (we were a Crest family), bright red frosting on my snowy birthday cakes (too artificial looking, and they would taste bitter), and cinnamon ribbon candy (too spicy; it would burn my tongue and I would waste it). They were right about these things, of course, but it didn't stop me from gazing at them wistfully all the same.

Lakeside

This pleasant stripe of Wedgwood blue and sandstone blush is a welcome respite this evening. I can almost feel the cool, yet slightly humid breeze as it skims the lake. The sky blazes, brassy and cloudless, as a little girl in a summery sundress dips her sand pail at the water's edge again. She draws up a sloshing bucketful and pours it onto the small mound of sand she's been forming up into a sort of castle, built more by her boundless imagination than the tiny hands hard at work under her mother's watchful gaze.

In Which I Am Not Only Keeping Score, But I Am Also Disappointed And Melting...Melting...Melting...

Brian is locked in a Repeat Cycle of Irksome Proportions in so very many ways, dear readers. In less than two weeks, we have seen this salmon and grey striped tie three times now. Add this criminal faux pas to his penchant for Tie Twinning and the redundancy factor becomes Brobdingnagian. My disappointment can best be described in tonight's metaphor: the rivulets from a slowly melting scoop of orange sherbet on the hot cement sidewalk. Sigh.

I Know I Enjoy A Martini Every Now And Then, But Now I'm Seeing Double When I'm Sober

* Debut Tie. I'm reporting live from the CDC, Cravat Duplication Center, where tonight, authorities have made the decision to raise the Alert Level to "Severe" in the wake of Brian Williams' tie selection which is, yet again, a variation of one already in his cravat wardrobe. This evening's tie of whisper-pale lemon yellow surmounted by a pattern of elephant grey circles with pinhole centers is an echo of last Thursday's tie, albeit a far more pleasantly sedate version. Authorities here wish to state for the record that, while this is a rising concern, there is no need for Widespread Fashion Panic. Thus far, they have not seen this malady make the jump from this particular newsman to, say, Keith Olbermann or even Robert Bazell (whose snazzy grey ensemble left The Report feeling a bit wistful).

No Need To Don A Mask, But The Report Is A Bit Under The Weather, And Goes To The Archives For Tonight's Critique

We here at The Report find ourselves a bit under the weather; therefore, we beg your indulgence and ask you to enjoy this Classic Cravat Critique for tonight's tie, which Debuted back on 10 November 2008. Time has not lent it any charm.

The Report is reeling from the Fashion Fiasco that is tonight's tie. Nothing--absolutely nothing--could have prepared The Nightly's viewers for the almost phosphorescent glow of garish orchid. And worse! Those Crayola blue stripes that seemed to run and blur at the right edge of this unholy cravat gave the whole broadcast a weird, Dali-esque vibe, and I kept watching and waiting for the rest of his tie to start melting and running off his shirt and onto the news desk into a puddle of purple and blue.

Esta Corbata También Llega A Ser Pesada Y Es Muy Púrpura.

True, we were overdue for a Purple and a Stripe, but to be frank, this one is starting to bore me with its violet background and wide black bands narrowly bordered with white. Speaking of borders, though, this cravat is starting to remind me of those Mexican serapes that some people like to wear. You know the ones I mean--those heavily woven kind that look itchy and uncomfortable and a little knobbly? Bri's tie is satin, but the stripes...here, see for yourself.

*Title is courtesy www.freetranlsation.com, so don't judge. Spanish is NOT my forte.

Your Tie Has Become Tiresome

It's just that this tie is So Very Shiny. The cornflower blue is okay, and I can even forgive the claustrophobically close pattern of miniature CDs. But, must they be silver? The whole thing makes me want to be rigid and techno, like a bad robo-version of SNL's "Sprockets" in which the host, Dieter, opens his own music store and whenever a customer comes in and asks, "Hey, what's that song you're playing?" Dieter rushes to the CD player, grabs the disc out of it, and in a fit of pique nails it to the wall. He then turns to the hapless questioner and says, "Your terror is gorgeous. Now we dance!"