The Brian Williams Tie Report Archives

How About No, Brian, Okay?

2012-01-27T22:04:00.020-05:00

For a moment, I thought perhaps I was watching Brian Williams in a SNL skit where he was reporting the news from Austin Powers' groovy new pad, baby, yeah. Because this tie was some sort of Mod, Sixties Era cravat one might see in a go-go cage. Electric raspberry circles, metallic silvery framing--all it needed was faux fur, a bar, and a little switch to make it revolve to throbby beat music.

What Is The Statement We Are Making With This Tie? (I Have An Idea)

2012-01-19T22:16:00.003-05:00

"...And we're back, gang! A big Thanks to our sponsor, Sal's Vegas Village--the state's finest Pawn Emporium and American Cuisine Buffet! Don't forget to hit up his website for that coupon! Okay! Here's our next item up, and it's almost sold out! A real eye-grabber of a silk tie in neon purple, looks like a sort of...lavender on P90X, guys, and it's got nice slim stripes of in-your-face bright blue! This tie is lit up like The Strip! And it can be yours for just a phone call--you know our number!"

Thank Goodness

2012-01-18T22:43:00.014-05:00

Mr. Williams comes back to us this evening with a less painful offering of narrow stripes alternating sky and blueberry. Because I fear my review might be tinged with relief and gratitude rather than objectivity--like extolling the complexity of flavours in a Hostess Twinkie after choking down Aunt Greta's "hospital meatloaf"--I will merely nod in polite approval.

In Which I Imagine Disasters Profound, Having Seen Two In A Row Now Broadcast Before Me

2012-01-17T23:29:00.007-05:00

As if trapped in some sort of Dante-esque maelstrom of stygian style oblivion, where we all must be punished for past fashion sins, we had to watch Brian knot up a cousin of last night's cravatical catastrophe. This evening's disaster, only marginally better than 16 January, was again a breakfasty theme of waffly little Cheeto-colored patches against a Crayola blue field. At least they were aligned, not askew like last night, but the whole thing had a sort of intarsia, textury thing happening like bad Seventies textiles. What is happening? Did a JoAnn Fabric warehouse blow up somewhere and a school is making and selling ties for a fundraiser to benefit a Firefighter/Veterans Rescue Dog Shelter? Because you and I both know BW could never resist that.

Lil' Abner Might Like It

2012-01-16T23:52:00.019-05:00

This tie is automatically and immediately enshrined forever in the Axis Of Evil. What was he thinking? That faux denim polyester background, those bloody Chex cereal patches going this way and that...the whole thing was like a Dogpatch Designer Challenge on Hillbilly Project Runway. Grab me my shootin' iron, Granny Gunn. I'm goin' huntin' fer Real Fashion.

Ugh.

2012-01-13T19:01:00.000-05:00

SPT. So disappointing.

What Would You Do?

2012-01-11T23:43:00.028-05:00

Another luscious-looking cravat with brown as its dominant colour tonight. This time, it's the richly textured chocolate with a pattern of tiny peachy-pink dots, all in a neat, orderly grid. Imagine if you were Newly Resolved, striving to Be Good, and, pushing your shopping trolley past the bakery department, caught sight of that one glistening chocolate frosted doughnut in the case, tempting you with its careless shower of pink sprinkles--so pretty! so...alluring! And the Only One! Why, it is practically a sign that you should have it.

Image Is Everything

2012-01-10T21:56:00.019-05:00

This tie has been a real Go-To Tie for BriWi lately, and while I like it, I have seen so much of it, I'd like to tell it to Go To. Anyway, it is a tasteful conservative cravat striped with very narrow bands of worsted grey and a smoky, deep turquoise. It looks capable, yet stylish, like the reason upscale Soccer Moms drive SUV's instead of minivans.

Manifest Destiny

2012-01-09T23:11:00.017-05:00

Brian is sophisticated and rich in his cravat of mahogany and metallic gold stripes this evening, the latter diagonals resembling strands of tightly wound tinsel. This is a tie of weskits and pocket watches, of barred teller windows and smiling bank Presidents with mutton-chop whiskers who offer railroad tycoons a fine cigar from the humidor on the desk. Leather chairs complain loudly as these titans of new industry settle in, and the dollar signs drift and multiply above their heads.

Western Wisdom

2012-01-06T21:32:00.001-05:00

Tonight's tie is a stripe of rich cinnamon and textured chambray blue. She peered around the corner of the stable and found him coiling rope in the corner of a stall. The docile horse stood silent, patiently awaiting the curry. With deft movements, he brought the animal's coat to a luxuriant sheen. Upon discovering her he grew angry, but tried not to show it. Anger would only unbalance him, and a steady rider meant a steady ride--he learned that the day he got his first saddle.

Yeah, It Used To Be Snazzy

2012-01-05T21:37:00.001-05:00

This evening Brian knots up another Striped Tie, this one jet navy with pumpkin diagonals banded by cream pinstripes. Oh, it's not a Bad Tie, and it's not a Boring Tie. It's just that we've seen this tie so very often that it's lost its Power To Impress. It's the tie that your Uncle Carl would wear to Thanksgiving dinner and, leaning over to your Goth cousin (who changed her name to Azzryeall), flips it at her and says, "Hey! Ya like this tie? Snazzy, huh?"

2012 Looks No More Fashionable Than 2011. (Or '10, or '09, or '08, or...le sigh)

2012-01-04T23:44:00.011-05:00

SPT. Apparently, someone failed to make the New Year's Resolution for which I had hoped.

He's Back And So Are The Stripes; My Ennui Is Imminent As A Result

2012-01-02T23:26:00.022-05:00

Brian Williams reclaims his desk at the Nightly with a staid, stodgy cravat of navy blue striped with slim cream diagonals bordered with burgundy. It's not an edgy tie, by any means. It's not bold, and it makes no Statement. It's like your dad at family dinners, who sits at the head of the table because he always does, but if your friend sat there cluelessly one night for your birthday, no one would make a Big Deal out of it, especially Dad. He'd just shift over one seat, grab the platter of whatever, and start passing.

Mystery

2011-12-21T20:53:00.036-05:00

Brian knots up an eclectic striper of midnight and deep lilac this evening. The last visitors slowly wandered away, each one more kind and sincere than the last. She was exhausted. As her priest approached for a final word, she saw someone else emerge from the periphery. Young, dressed almost...cacophanously in black leather riding gear, the young woman walked to the front of the chapel, a streak of purple luminous in her hair. She laid her arms over the closed casket as if in an embrace, and dropped a small bouquet. She left as quickly as she appeared. When the priest retrieved the nosegay, he found it was of rosemary and lavender.

...And After I'd Been So Good This Year!

2011-12-20T21:55:00.002-05:00

SPT. Honestly, this hideous thing...! And after all those torpid, banal blue-and-white bores. I'm at the point where I'd celebrate an Orville Redenbacher-esque bowtie...almost.

(I know. Be careful What We Wish For.)

Yawn

2011-12-19T20:23:00.012-05:00

It has been a neverending Rhapsody In Blue (And White Stripes of one sort or another) for Brian Williams lately, and I am sodden with a Blue Period of my own as a result. Tonight is yet another in this seemingly Perpetual Parade Of Blueness And Stripeness, this one an offering of narrow stripes alternating a smoky blue and white. Oh, good! Is this review done now? Yes. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ugh.

2011-12-13T21:01:00.000-05:00

SPT. I swear, I am going to click over to that petition drive site on the Interwebs and start one for Getting Rid Of This Tie. Who's with me?

Summertime Sweet

2011-12-12T21:15:00.020-05:00

Brian, ever embracing his Purpleness, knots up a tribute to it with tonight's cravat selection of slender stripes in lilac and deep plum. It reminds me of summer nights as a child when my mother would get out the vanilla ice cream and allow us to choose a flavour of soda for our dessert float. I would often choose by colour, hoping to have the prettiest-looking treat. On nights that I chose grape, I would have a lovely, swirly concoction of purple and lavender, white and bubbly crystal-clear as Mom expertly poured Grape Crush over two small scoops of vanilla in my glass and stirred until the foam rose just above the rim.

Pop Art

2011-12-09T21:35:00.001-05:00

This bold, copperwine cravat is very artsy and graphically-inspired, with its Lichtenstein-esque lines and small grey circlets outlined in black. I would buy it for an Andy Warhol fan, along with a nice fruit basket, but only if it were one of Roy's fruit baskets.

Oh, I Do Hope Those Of You In The 1% Who Read The Report Will Consider Sending BriWi Some New NON-Purple Neckwear For Christmas or Hanukkah or "The Holiday"

2011-12-08T22:16:00.009-05:00

SPT. Quelle horreurs. Did you see that knot? Urk.

It's All In Black And White

2011-12-07T21:09:00.014-05:00

Brian's narrow stripes of jet and pearl are cool and elegant this evening. Looking down from his office windows, he sees black branches against the wintry sky. From here, it's impossible to see the street, let alone the crowds of people as they move along with the business of their lives. Here, he can only see black and white, like the numbers he manipulates on the screen and pages in front of him; like the equations of his relationships, and he doesn't really see those, either.

An Afternoon Visit

2011-11-30T22:08:00.038-05:00

This evening's cravat is a textural treat of muted navy stripes alternating with faux ropes of creamy gold. He detested these sorts of Command Performances, and at his age. What was the point, besides placating the Old Treasure Chest as he now called her. He got all dressed up on a Sunday when he'd rather be home in his sweats, and was ushered in to a room that looked like a museum: huge draperies dripping in bullion fringe, and enough scrollwork to make any housemaid weep. And the oils! Who were these staring, hollow-cheeked people anyway? And why was one so distinctly behind the hulking mahogany secretary?

Sir Brian

2011-11-28T21:23:00.026-05:00

Brian reaches far back into his Collection to retrieve a stripe of silver and cardinal red this evening. Bold and cavalier, it also manages to convey some traditionalism. It is a knightly tie, evocative of polished breastplates and brilliant flags streaming behind gallant steeds. A lance is raised, a visor lowered, and blood will stain the field.

Our Star Works A Surprise Day-After-A-Holiday Shift, Yet Fails Us In His Cravat Selection By Wearing A Fashion Turkey, As It Were

2011-11-25T23:47:00.013-05:00

SPT. Thankfully, not the egregious one; this one was a deep, rich plumwine. As you all know, however, we here at The Report don't discriminate and cannot relent. Any SPT falls under the Axis Of Evil.

That's just How It Is.

To Sleep--Perchance To Dream...

2011-11-22T21:06:00.017-05:00

A somber and elegant cravat of charcoal with widely spaced stripes of smoky plum is worn by Brian Williams tonight. It is a turbulent Sleep which visits her that night, discomfiting and troubled. As he draws her into the purple curtains of a deep and darkened dream, she hears again the horses' hooves striking the asphalt and the rolling wheels of the caisson in a neverending dirge.

Dark Secret

2011-11-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

It's the serious stripes for Brian Williams this evening, a cravat of deep periwinkle and ebony diagonals. It is rather moody, like deepening twilight in a heavy paneled study. As the melancholy tones of a bell announce an evening visitor, he sighs and places his reading glasses atop the small darkwood table. Her sorrow will not improve the chill of the room, he muses. Still, she has every right to be here and every reason to ask her questions. But he knows the answers will only serve to ruin them both.

Brian Has Really Pushed My Buttons This Week Already

2011-11-15T23:17:00.028-05:00

So, it's going to be one of those weeks, cravatically speaking, is it? A week like when you take the time to pack a nice lunch in your bento-boxy thing, then leave it on the hood of your car because your cell phone starts to slip out of your pocket, and then you accidentally push the button on your key fob with your elbow and set off the car alarm, so you have to take care of that, which is why you had to buy lunch today along with a new bento-boxy thing. It's only Tuesday, but that awful leering thistle and blaring blue striped silk hot on the heels of an SPT is...ominous. And exasperating, really. And sad. Just...sad.

Ugh.

2011-11-14T22:02:00.010-05:00

SPT. Perhaps to punish me for my week away. Such a snit is unbecoming avec n'importe quelle cravate, mon cherie.

Power Struggle

2011-11-10T23:42:00.020-05:00

Brian has been shopping, and tonight he wears a tie of lampblack with widely staggered brilliant blue stripes. The pilot announces their imminent landing at Dulles, and she tiredly slips her feet into her high heels. It won't be a pleasant meeting with the Senator, and she tries to remember the last time it was. At least Alphonse, the driver, will have her coffee waiting, as he always does, and a reassuring smile. She glances out at the lights on the runway, so colorful against the darkness of the early morning and the asphalt, and thinks momentarily of fireworks.

Making A Difference: Brian Williams Keeps His Ties This Time (Too Bad There Wasn't A Purple Theme)

2011-11-07T15:23:00.008-05:00

Before I return to regularly scheduled programming here at The Report, allow me to once again turn to matters of more substance. As you may recall, last year I was pleased to bring you news of Joan's Legacy: Uniting Against Lung Cancer and its annual benefit. This worthy cause was founded to honor the life of Joan Scarangello, a writer at NBC News, who fell victim to lung cancer in 2001 despite never having smoked in her 47 years. In 2010 Brian Williams donated an auction lot of six autographed ties which ended up selling for about $5000.

(That's a lot of money for ties, especially for the Hermes with the penguins on it. And to think I described it as a faux paisley print--11 February 2010...sigh. Pre-HD, though.)

But it's nowhere near what is needed to combat the Number 1 Cancer Killer in the United States. This scourge is the world's deadliest cancer; an estimated 157,000 Americans are estimated to die from lung cancer this year - more than colon, breast, and pancreatic cancers combined.

More than 220,000 Americans will be diagnosed with lung cancer this year, but only 16% of lung cancer is being diagnosed at its earliest and most curable stage. Like Joan, sadly, many of its victims are misdiagnosed and the cancer is too far advanced to effect a cure.

That's why aggressive research and awareness are so desperately necessary.

To that end, Joan's Legacy: Uniting Against Lung Cancer announces its Strolling Supper with Blues and News, hosted by Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw. Another silent auction will be held and, while there will be no ties, the slate of offerings is impressive. It includes:

*Hanging out on-set at The Big Bang Theory, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report
*Autographed memorabilia from Lady Gaga and Santonio Holmes
*Vacations at Costa Rica, Cancun, and Cape Cod
*Designer wares by Coach, Kate Spade, Michael Kors, and Betsey Johnson
*A Longer Shelf Life: Your name as a character in a future Sue Grafton novel
AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

This year, there is also online bidding--it begins November 9th. Click here to go and see all the items and reserve prices. That way, you don't have to go to New York; you can just sit at home in your tasteful jammies, pour a glass of Chardonnay, and click till you score your objet de désir.

The Report is honored and proud to use its powers for the Greater Good, even in this small, small way. For even more information, and a chance for a little bit more of BriWi--you'll recognize the tie, an old favourite of his--you can watch this short viddy:

Thank you.

Was It Bring Your Little Daughter To Work Night At The Nightly For The Wardrobe Dept?

2011-10-27T22:31:00.001-04:00

SPT. And, The Report must take a moment to comment on the cravat of reporter Mike Taibbi, which was startlingly garish in all its Barbie pinkness. When the two ties were across from each other, it was like a glimpse down the Dora the Explorer aisle at Toys-BackwardsR-Us.

For Whom The Tie Polls

2011-10-26T22:51:00.001-04:00

Tonight's cravat is a very textured striper of true blue and stormcloud. It looks tweedy and almost sweaterish. This tie is the herringbone jacket with elbow patches, worn by Hemingway-esque professors who, in deference to the No Smoking regulations, cradle the bowls of their cold pipes in one hand as they gesture with the stem to illustrate their point.

Is It A Tie Or A Craft Project/Halloween Costume/Project Runway Challenge?

2011-10-24T22:10:00.025-04:00

Tonight, Brian's tie is so complex and intricate that I almost had to make a small diagram in order to explicate it. (Thanks a lot, HDTV.) Brilliant summersky blue is overlaid by broad bands of black meshwork, then further interrupted by platinum stripes shot through with narrow ribbons of lavender. This cravat was, in a word, worky. And all over the place. It had too much going on. It reminds me of those Saloon Girl Outfits, you know? Those things have satin and lace and ruffles and lacings and corseting and decolletage and a peplum and a bustle and fishnet stockings and short boots and holy crap, it's like the dressmaker discovered margaritas and velcro in the same night, you know?

In Which I Postulate A Possible Origin For Brian's Repeat Cycles (But Never Excuse Them)

2011-10-17T09:37:00.022-04:00

This evening's cravat is a violet blue field crossed by mulberry stripes which bear an intarsia rope pattern. I am reminded of a peculiar run of Christmases wherein my mother, for some unknown reason, was on a Repeat Cycle of her own. For about five years in a row, I received a purple cableknit sweater. Not the same one, but a Variation On The Theme. If my mother is locked in some sort of Vulcan Mind Meld with Brian Williams, we are all in serious trouble.

Where Has This Tie Been? BriWi Finds A Hidden Style Stash

2011-10-12T23:36:00.035-04:00

Brian Williams finds a secret door in his Armoire de Cravates and from it draws tonight's stylish striped offering. Rich plumwine alternates with creamy ivory, the latter pinstriped by carnation pink. The whole effect is part confectionery, part la mode de Louis XV, part "Let's sneak out of the reception early and go to the wine bar for the new Beaujolais tasting."

And It Looked Even Tackier And Shinier Tonight, If That Is Possible

2011-10-11T20:40:00.000-04:00

SPT. And just like that, our hopes are completely and devastatingly dashed.

The Report Breathes A Sigh Of Relief

2011-10-10T23:24:00.028-04:00

Mr. Williams steps up his fashion game profoundly from last night with this cravat of a smokey, pale indigo upon which are scattered tiny ebony windowframes with white centres. Quietly confident; it speaks in modulated tones, but is always heard and respected. It is the perfect combination of brains and beauty.

Brian Williams Has A Shopping Fantasy

2011-10-07T23:26:00.002-04:00

"Yes, good afternoon, Miss. I'm looking for a tie that...well, just a tie. I don't want it to be too noticeable, too...fashionable. I'm a Serious Newsman, and what I'm wearing isn't the point. It just isn't what's important. With so much going on in the world, people need to--yes, like that one. Just dark blue with...what are those stripes, red? Kind of...pink? Orangey, sort of? Whatever. On camera, those double pinstripes will read red anyway. A nice blue tie with red stripes. That's what I'm talkin' about. A tie that no one can care about."

Two Parts Vodka, One Part Dry Vermouth, A Splash Of Olive Brine, And A Bleu Cheese Stuffed Olive In A Chilled Glass, S'Il Vous Plait

2011-10-06T22:07:00.001-04:00

SPT. I suppose we should have known, since its Harbinger, the Jet and Gold Bling Stripe, appeared yesterday. It appears that October's Cycle Répété has begun. (And so has the Report's cycle de thérapie d'alcool.)

It's Like What Would Happen If She-Ra Got Trapped In The Tents At Fashion Week

2011-10-04T21:59:00.001-04:00

Brian Williams continues to punish Nightly viewers by raiding his armoire d'atrocités and knotting up the raw silk cravat of orchid with pulsating ultramarine blue stripes. It's what Jeremy Scott would send down the runway, and his models, sent to the makeup artists for a "blurred frosty-neon sort of Futuristic She-goddess Superhero Eye" would definitely slink the catwalk sporting these.

Brian Finally Mixes It Up

2011-10-03T21:57:00.026-04:00

Brian Williams breaks The Cycle Of Despair for us viewers of The Nightly after Savannah helps him reset by sitting in on Friday. Tonight, he dons a cravat from his Old Faithful collection, a striper of deep suitcoat navy crossed with blush pink diagonals. This tie is an old-timey scene at a grade-school mixer. All the boys wear their Sunday suits, their hair is parted razor sharp and the comb marks show in their dampened hair. They line the gym along one side of the basketball court, staring at the little ringleted girls who look like puff pastries, cupcakes, and cotton candy in pastel clusters on the other side.

Yes! Yes! Yes We Do! We've Got An Audaciously Fulgent Tie; How About You?

2011-09-29T21:54:00.005-04:00

Oh, my. Certainly, we all are properly chastened ("Be careful what you wish for"; "Better the devil you know" yadda yadda yadda) for our carping about Le Cycle Répété in the previous Special Report. (Which some of you charmingly rated, by the way.) For tonight, Brian Williams shut our collective traps by daring to knot up a striped tie of screaming tangerine and blaring blue. Wasn't it...peppy? Indeed, it looked like something male cheerleaders from the fifties might wear on the sidelines at a college football game along with white flannel trousers, snappily creased and cuffed above white bucks. They would have jaunty knit vests in that brassy blue (for home games) worn over their crisp Oxford shirts; the vivid Valencia orange for away. And, to bring it all together, That Tie, knotted precisely and proudly with The Maximum School Spirit. Go Team!

Special Report: Whether Buffalo Springfield or Hamlet Said It Best, Either Way, Something's Up

2011-09-29T15:48:00.000-04:00

In an Unprecedented Step aside from our usual commentary on the semi-nightly critique of Brian Williams' cravats, we here at The Report must make take sad and pointed note of the recent shocking Sartorial Trend unfolding before our eyes. Before we comment further, a brief recap is in order:

Wednesday, 28 Sept.: SPT.
Tuesday, 27 Sept.: Jet and Gold Bling Stripe
Monday, 26 Sept.: SPT.
Friday, 23 Sept.: Jet and Gold Bling Stripe
Thursday, 22 Sept: SPT.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? Is Brian camping out at The Nightly? Did Mrs. Williams change the locks? Has Someone lost his subscription to Men's Vogue?

I feel our concern is justified. Brian Williams, contact me here at The Report. I stand ready to assist you in any way I can.

Cringe-Worthy

2011-09-28T23:24:00.009-04:00

SPT. How worrisome.

Il Restera Tacite

2011-09-26T21:33:00.002-04:00

SPT. I simply will not discuss it.

So I'm Gone Two Days, And This Is What I Come Back To?

2011-09-22T20:11:00.000-04:00

SPT. Iced lilac, yes, but Solid Purple. It counts. (And in September, really. Why are we even talking about this?)

At The Opera

2011-09-19T21:11:00.001-04:00

This evening's striped tie is one of blush and ebony diagonals. As the conductor raises his baton and bows are made ready, the rustle of silk heralds her arrival in the box. Every tuxedoed man arises slightly; every gowned woman nods. She smiles and apologetically shrugs out of her wrap and pats her coif unconsciously with an opera-gloved hand bedecked with a ruby and gold wristlet. One man, holding the empty chair next to him, bends low and whispers in her ear, brushes his lips against her bare neck. Her eyelids flutter downward as her cheeks color charmingly. She takes her seat with a smile.

Dear Bobby Sherman (Or David Cassidy Or Fill In Name Of Tiger Beat Hero Here)

2011-09-15T22:16:00.010-04:00

Navy and stripes, navy and stripes. What would dear Brian do without them? This evening they appear in an orchid and midnight iteration, like a Seventies tween's smudgy bit of fan mail written on some Spencer Gift stationery with a blotchy Flair pen.

In Which We Are Suitably Terrorized By This Tie--See What I Did There?

2011-09-14T23:32:00.014-04:00

Tonight, BriWi slings on a dubious cravat of sedate navy assailed by blaring tangerine stripes. It is as if a hunter or highway worker went mad one night and used their signature colour--via spray can or brush--to vandalize every available surface, painting swaths of orange to forbid, to warn, to alarm us all.

Will Someone Please Steal This Tie?

2011-09-13T21:35:00.000-04:00

SPT. Really, it's already in the Axis Of Evil. I've created a new *Acronym for its...manifestation. I don't know what else I can do to express my Profound Dismay at this...this...UnTie.

*WDBTK--What Dwells Below The Knot

Mid-September, And I Struggle Mightily With Cravat Ennui

2011-09-12T21:48:00.000-04:00

Brian knots up a cravat of rich mahogany with a peach-coloured petit-point pattern. Finally, the storm abated and the clouds pushed back. She helped her daughter shove her little feet into her wellies and together, they ran into the orchard to look. The ground under their feet was a vast expanse of mud and blossoms. Rivulets of rainwater ran in ruts and stood in pools and the trees, some broken and bowed, looked like penitents in a cold cathedral.

Dizzy

2011-09-01T18:21:00.016-04:00

Deep, suitcoat navy crossed with brassy Tabasco stripes is Brian's welcome to September tonight. All I could think of was being a little girl on East 38th Street again and hanging out with the tomboy Lisa across the street. One of our favorite summertime do-nothing games was to see how long we could stare directly into the sun before we began to tear up. Then we'd look at the street, still seeing the pulsing circle of the sun in its dim asphalt face. After a few minutes of this, we'd get dizzy, go to my house, and Mom would pour us some KoolAid and shoo us out onto the shady front yard.

August Farewell

2011-08-31T18:54:00.028-04:00

Smoky cornflower blue and pristine white stripes--fashionably narrow ones--are our Tie Fare tonight. Lovely and summery and a fitting way to close out August, don't you think? This cravat is like standing against the rails of the boardwalk and looking out over the water with its canopy of hazy sky and lacy wisps. Now and then a small freshening breath of the sea, then another wink of the sun, and the waves sigh and grasp the sand.

Oh, My Dear. Must We?

2011-08-30T19:23:00.016-04:00

SPT. And horrifying, as usual, thanks to *WDBTK. (What on Earth is that Thing, anyway?)

*What Dwells Below The Knot

Night Magic

2011-08-28T21:43:00.001-04:00

Soft pink and ebony are the narrow stripes on tonight's tie as Brian Williams narrates an uncharacteristic Nightly News broadcast this evening. The thunder's rumbling basso woke her from a labored sleep. The night was moonless, and the wind swept the rain against her windows, scattering apple blossoms against the dark panes in a careless pattern of stormy grace.

In Which Brian Makes Me Work On The Weekend, Yet Wears An Uninspiring Cravat. How Dare He?

2011-08-27T20:47:00.001-04:00

Firmly entrenched behind his Command Central Nightly Newspost, Brian Williams is dapper in his reassuringly snappy tie of navy blue and white stripes. It is Weekend Elegant, yet Military Precise, like dress blues and white gloves at a State Dinner. As he telezips along the coast, checking in with on-site Hurricane Irene reporters, one gets the feeling that he was called away from champagne and foie gras, and that perhaps a chilly flute is bubbling away below the Desk.

The Demise of La Chemise Enorme

2011-08-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

C'est possible! Brian Williams can wear a shirt that fits! Live at the shores of his beloved New Jersey, BDub finally sports a chambray shirt that isn't flapping around like an errant seabird. August has not been Lost.

Mystery At Midnight

2011-08-25T19:01:00.021-04:00

It is a stripe of midnight and May French lilac tonight. The sirens intensify as a car screams up to the hotel. Its doors fly open like wings and men rush out. One man, fedora askew, black trenchcoat billowing behind, pushes past the doorman, brandishing his badge. He mounts the stairs by threes and bursts into the room; his practiced eye immediately takes in every detail. A small window over the fire escape stands open, its cheap chintz curtains stirring. On the floor, amid the puddled black satin of her dressing gown, is a single perfect orchid. He looks more closely and sees her marcasite hatpin a few feet away. On its point gathers a ruby drop.

2011-08-18T22:25:00.013-04:00

SPT. It was dire, but not devastating, until the Nightly cameraperson pulled back for the wide shot. And then that horrific rumple/divot/crease creature loomed again. What Dwells Below The Knot...! Ugh.

I Hear The Axis Of Evil Calling In This Historical Moment

2011-08-15T21:18:00.013-04:00

Talk about your Double Dip Recessions. Brian Williams' fashion stock hits an All-Time Low tonight as he heedlessly slings on Wednesday's (10 August) disastrous cravat of obnoxious orchid raw silk with obstreperously blue stripes. The Report has no choice but to downgrade BriWi to AA status until he demonstrates that he can overcome this sartorial passive-aggressiveness and put together a stable style plan that move us forward.

And...We're Back (Because August Was Getting Away From Us)

2011-08-10T19:20:00.034-04:00

Oh, Dear Report Readers. If we wait until we are sufficiently moved by Brian's Neckwear to return to commentary, we will wait pour l'infinité. Truly, it has been An Endless Parade--or barrage, take your pick--of pedestrian ties, of lacklustre ties, of wince-worthy ties. Tonight's...urk. Not that the fabric (which looks to be raw silk) isn't acceptable. But that noisome orchid! That leering ultramarine blue stripe! Must they be so...intrusive? It's like dining in a fairly nice restaurant but having one of those impossibly bouncy servers who simply cannot stop insinuating themselves into your meal. He or she kneels next to your chair or table, asks "Isn't that totally awesome, right?" as soon as you take a bite of your appetizer, and pretty much makes you feel as if you have to pay for his college, too, or at least send him a card for his birthday.

Salvaging July

2011-07-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

Brian Williams seems repentant for la Tragédie de Juillet, for tonight he wears a lovely tie of frosted purple scattered with small black circlets for our enjoyment. Like peering into the bloom of an African violet, it has depth and elegance, yet somehow manages to be amiable and pleasant.

L'Histoire

2011-07-27T19:56:00.000-04:00

Reporting from Washington, D.C., Brian is looking urbane and debonair in a cravat of distinction. This tie, a chocolate silk studded with pale, petite dots in a grid pattern looks very, very GQ. She looks across the breakfast room where almost no one is seated. It is a sea of ivory damask tablecloths and gleaming flatware. At a small two-top he sits, a French press in front of him along with a basket of croissant et petit baguette. He checks his watch briskly and raises the cup to his lips as he scans the room. As he sees her, he raises his eyebrows inquiringly. Squaring her shoulders with a resolve she does not truly feel, she crosses to the table.

We've Been Waiting For This Tie, My Darlings!

2011-07-21T22:34:00.000-04:00

Today Is The Day, Report readers! Brian Williams has broken his longstanding ban and has knotted up a Paisley Tie! (Yes, it was a petite rendition of the pattern, but certainly the colours were anything but understated.) Bold cerise and white shapes on a field of periwinkle, this cravat made a statement. "I am worthy of more than an Endless Parade Of Purple," it affirmed. "There is more to life than the Diagonal Stripe," it declared. "Perhaps orange is not the best colour for one's skin tone after all!" it conceded. A chatty little tie, this, like the niece at a family party who just got her first post-graduate job with a really good salary and a title. Put a cocktail in her hand, but don't stand there for long.

Even His Collar Was Askew

2011-07-19T23:28:00.010-04:00

SPT. Quelle horreur.

It Is A Conundrum

2011-07-18T22:49:00.014-04:00

Ah, it is a love affair that Brian Williams has with his stripes, is it not? Tonight the affair continues with an onyx and pearl silk striper beautifully knotted. Too graphic to be romantic, too bold to be subtle, this cravat is like the nouveau riche of the 1920s Gilded Age who could afford the Society but never truly be a part of It.

When Is A Pie Not A Pie? (When It's This Tie, But There Is Another Answer, Too!)

2011-07-15T19:31:00.021-04:00

This tasty cravat is so richly textured. The mahogany field is striped with bundles of thin gold bands as if bangle bracelets slid down the arm of a bronzed island beauty. Exotic, no? Yet all I could think of as I watched was this.

Ceci Est Très Sérieux

2011-07-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

SPT. I realize that there were a few different ties between 7/8 and 7/13, but they were sufficiently unremarkable that I, wrapped in Cravat Ennui, simply could not report on them. Can any among you deny that we are in a Run O' The Purples?

I...Cannot...Go On

2011-07-07T20:40:00.000-04:00

SPT. In an unprecedented Repeat Cycle of Catastrophic Proportion, Brian Williams has a Back-to-Back Repeat Tie, and it is an Axis Of Evil Reprise. I...I...I...please send chocolates directly to my Fainting Couch. Je suis très tragique.

As Seen On TV

2011-07-06T20:45:00.000-04:00

SPT. Brian needs this.

Yowza! Getta Load Of That Tie!

2011-06-29T21:55:00.000-04:00

Oh boy! Brian is back with this super-duper stripey tie of blazing blue and blaring yellow stripes as wide as a kid's grin on the last day of school. This tie looks like part of a costume, perhaps for one of those amusement park barbershop quartets that keeps you entertained while you stand in interminably long lines. Or worn by an old-timey popcorn or ice cream shoppe counterman who wears one of those odd, boat-shaped paper hats and long, low-bibbed aprons, tossing and twirling the implements of his trade to the delight of his customers.

Heavy Sigh.

2011-06-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

SPT. Again, an impeccable knot is wasted on This Tie.

We Are Not To Be Disturbed

2011-06-27T19:32:00.016-04:00

Mr. Williams knots up a debonair tie this evening of muted gold crossed with the narrowest of onyx and pearl stripes. It is quite fine, yet startlingly familiar. If there were such a thing as Royal Bed-Ticking, this would be it, and one can imagine the earliest Personages of Divine Right resting their Regal Weariness upon fabric such as this.

Quietude

2011-06-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

Tonight's tie is the companion to last night's cravat; the template is identical. These ebony stripes alternate with a pale indigo, however, and the result is less dramatic. This cravat is the deepening blanket of evening in late October as a chill cools the air, and the musing of a lone French horn as it murmurs the melody.

The Dark Side

2011-06-22T20:20:00.000-04:00

It's a bold striped cravat for Brian Williams this evening, one of strong lilac and black. This tie is dark and mysterious, almost sinister in its colouration. There is the deep-throated voice of the bassoon and the mournful moan of the double bass thrumming a warning in the background. These are the colours of warlocks and nightshades, and the fearsome Maleficent, who haunts the dreams of small ones everywhere.

Indulgence

2011-06-20T20:58:00.000-04:00

Another yummy tie for Bri, this one a rich, deep chocolatey offering scattered with blush dotty things uniformly all over. As a guilty pleasure, she often made herself a small pot of chocolat chaud--in the true French style, of course--and sat at her window seat in the evenings. She poured it into her finest Limoges teacups and used the saucers. Sometimes, she tore up the Confectionery's strawberry marshmallows into tiny bits and floated them in the treat, dipping and swirling them with her silver spoon.

C'mon Kids! It's Time For Some Colouring Fun!

2011-06-16T19:19:00.000-04:00

Oh, happy happy joy joy! If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! Today, Uncle Brian puts on his Sunny Sky Tie because he's having a Sunshiny Day! Can you colour your Uncle Brian Colouring Page Tie just like his? Take out your Sunny Yellow crayon and make some big, fat stripes bright yellow! Now, take out your Blue Sky Blue crayon and make the other big, fat stripes bright blue! Have Mummy or Daddy help you cut along the dotted lines with your chubby-wubby safety scissors! Now hold your very own Uncle Brian Sunny Sky Tie up against your shirt, right under your chinny-chin-chin! Yay! You can be on TV, too, one day--just like Uncle Brian!

Tasty Tie

2011-06-13T21:47:00.021-04:00

Debut Tie. Tonight, Brian Williams is sophisticated in a striped cravat of rich nutmeg and maize. The colors are deep and complex, and the golden stripe is textured and alluring. As I watch, I am overwhelmed with the desire for this.

Beautiful In Blue

2011-06-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

Oh, what a pretty, pretty cravat! Tonight's offering, narrow stripes of deep ocean and creamy sky, is just pretty. It's like strolling through Old Town at Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, stopping in all the little shops. You try on the hats at Beau Chapeau, and marvel at the curiosities at the Butterfly Gallery. At Cecile's, the fabrics are gorgeous and the aromas transport you to milieux far beyond the torpor or tension of your everyday life. But you and your companion mustn't linger overlong; you have tickets for a matinee at the Shaw Theatre, and you'd like a glass of wine and a cheese plate first.

A Fashion Alert Is Issued

2011-06-01T21:07:00.000-04:00

This evening's tie of not-too-wide, not-too-narrow navy and white stripes was crisp and splendid, but curiously retro-looking. Did Brian switch from his usual four-in-hand knot to the wider Windsor? Was he tying it more loosely overall? In any case, the total look was one of an Eighties Throwback instead of the snappy, precise broadcast professional. We here at The Report are On Alert.

You Know What I Mean?

2011-05-31T18:36:00.022-04:00

I am ambivalent about this cravat, its navy blue field, its raspberry sherbet stripes dribbling down brightly and invitingly. There's nothing egregious about it, and it's summery and almost pretty. But because the blue is rather somber, the pink looks shocking and wanders into tacky territory. It's sort of like strolling past a buffet laden with treats like lobster, brie en croute, and pâté and finding salami rollups and Velveeta.

Bad Fashion Never Dies, It Just Serves To Constantly Annoy Me

2011-05-27T22:13:00.001-04:00

SPT. There is no God.

Off The Set, But Not Out Of Bounds

2011-05-24T18:36:00.002-04:00

Il est sans cravat, but for the first time ever, his shirt is not ill-fitting, and he is not wearing a horrid overcoat or jacket of poor design. Very attractive, Brian Williams. Quite.

Stranger Things Have Happened

2011-05-18T21:19:00.000-04:00

Brian Williams, channelling Ward Cleaver and a little bit of Mr. Rogers, knots up a tie of Play-doh blue with a busy, red, stripey thing happening in there that managed to make this one of the most pedestrian ties ever worn in the New Millennium. It's like this poor tie, worn by a brilliant but reckless corporate-funded scientist working feverishly in his lab in 1954, got stuck in the hinges of his time machine. As the scientist set the coordinates to 2011, the machine began to vibrate menacingly and acrid smoke billowed out. As the experimentor clambered out to discover the problem, his cravat caught upon the door. Loosening the knot, he sacrificed the silk accoutrement and, when he finally stopped the device and looked inside, the tie was gone. Only to reappear on the back of Brian Williams' chair at The Nightly News Desk.

Evening's Assignation

2011-05-13T20:39:00.001-04:00

This evening, Brian Williams knots up a chic and mysterious tie, narrow stripes of smoky lavender and charcoal. Your cell phone buzzes, and you pick up. "Meet me in Lilacia Park," your source says sotto voce. "I'll be right at the entrance, just inside. Eight thirty. Don't be late." A lifelong Chicago girl, you have no qualms about grabbing the train to Lombard for the assignation. This story could make your career. The darkness has just begun to envelop the park and the springtime scent of the lilacs is wafting out around you. It's lovely and purple. But now, and for the rest of your life, it will be the aroma of excitement and scandal.

A Nice Tie--But...Who Wants Just Nice?

2011-05-12T19:36:00.001-04:00

A field of deep turquoise is crossed by slim bands of sky blue bordered in luminous white. This tie is pleasant, but innocuous and safe in the Fashion Sense. It's the Guy Friend who you can go out with and not make your boyfriend the least bit jealous. It's the angel food cake with fresh fruit for dessert. And it's getting the three-inch high heels, but in black instead of red.

A Royal Comeback

2011-05-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

This evening Brian Williams dons a cravat of slim black stripes alternating with burnished gold, the latter bisected by a thread of the contrasting onyx. Quietly, solicitously, the jeweller proffers another velvet case. He carefully slides open the sable top and reveals row upon row of gold herringbone necklaces. It is as if the pharoahs and queens of Egypt, one by one, had unburdened their necks before stepping into their sarcophagi for the ages.

Locked In A Downward Fashion Shame Spiral, Brian Williams Drags Me Down In His Miserable Maelstrom

2011-05-10T20:17:00.000-04:00

Now he's just hurting my feelings. First, there was yesterday's flagrant repeat of the 5 May tie, and then today, the Candy Cane/Popcorn Box/Circus Tie worn en ensemble with what can only be described as a Studied Disregard For Fashion Sensibility. How can anyone think, even for one fleeting moment, that a cravat striped with red, crimson, and white can be worn with a pale blue, white-collared shirt and black suit jacket? Except, perhaps, on a dare or upon awakening from a ten-day drunk? I worry that Someone is taking fashion advice from (say it isn't so!) The Before David Gregory.

Tasteful Celebration Et Homage

2011-05-05T19:13:00.004-04:00

Brian Williams commemorates his birthday with a decorous stripe of pearl and onyx, impeccably knotted. Its colouring is, perhaps, a sort of salute to The History of Journalism, a celebration of newspapers and the great trailblazing broadcasters of black and white television like Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and Huntley & Brinkley.

Nocturnal Regiment

2011-05-04T19:25:00.004-04:00

A deep violet-blue background overlaid with a grid of tiny white dots is the offering tonight. It is as if the stars, obeying some Celestial General, have aligned in martial rank and file, ready for a cosmic drill in the night sky.

It's Not Very Happy

2011-05-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

SPT. Oh, Brian Williams. And on my birthday, too.

The Theme For April Would Seem To Be "Dismay"

2011-04-26T21:20:00.023-04:00

Oh dear. I wasn't even going to put forth a comment regarding this particular cravat, which I do like. What's not to like? It is the Picture Of Formality: with its stripes of polished sterling and onyx, it is a set of handsome cufflinks and tie clasp by itself. And its knot was impeccable. Its timing, however, was...regretful. A quick check of The Report Daybook will sadly confirm that this tie last made an appearance on The Nightly set just a few broadcasts ago--21 April. Oh my. Most unfortunate, as April is already Tragically Bereft Of Fashion Success.

April Is A Travesty

2011-04-22T20:45:00.000-04:00

SPT. I think the entire outfit was recycled. I am so horrified.

In Which I Must--Regretfully--Digress

2011-04-21T20:16:00.039-04:00

Brian's tie this evening was a rather nondescript offering of silver and ebony stripes, and I was far from inspired. But I hope Report readers will forgive me for straying from the mission of this site in order to express my profound dismay at the heinously egregious cravat of Brian's colleague, David Faber, whose relentless assault upon the mores of Good Taste has been noted here before. Mr. Faber's tie of salmon and licorice red stripes was horrifying enough on its own, but to pair it with a grey blue jacket and blue patterned shirt is nothing short of an Act Of Domestic Terrorism. My outrage knows no bounds.

The Promise Of Summer

2011-04-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

This evening's tie is a pleasant one. Viewers are greeted by narrow stripes of sky blue and sandstone, a welcome reprieve from the Slough of Despair that was last night's offering. Instead, this cravat is like stepping outside on an early spring morning, taken by surprise by the light, brisk breeze. Too cool for doffing the jacket, yes, but the sunny sky holds the promise of warmer days to come, the air has the unmistakeable scent of grass and hyacinths, and you know it won't be long before you'll be taking your lunch hour sitting at a picnic table near the lake, even if all you do is wear your sunglasses and smell someone else's suntan lotion.

You Know, It's Like He Wants To Hurt My Feelings

2011-04-19T20:26:00.000-04:00

SPT. We here at The Report are officially at Fashion DEFCON 1 with the appearance yet again of this Catastrophic Cravat. All Nightly Viewers and Report readers are urged to take immediate precautions.

In Which I Lodge A Familiar Complaint

2011-04-18T20:25:00.003-04:00

As much as we love to see you out there in NOLA looking rugged and outdoorsy, wearing your jeans and sticking it to the suits at BP, we still wish you'd WEAR A SHIRT THAT FITS!

After The Triumph Of Thursday, I Suffer An Anticlimax

2011-04-15T16:39:00.001-04:00

Oh, le sigh, Brian Williams. I'm unfulfilled by this tie. It just isn't working for me. The stripes are a bit wide, and the orchid is cheap looking. The blue is...okay...but why is only it textured, and so aggressively? It's like seeing a great-looking guy and then noticing he's wearing a "Toby Keith for President" teeshirt. Or finding out that your crush has all the "Saw" movies on Blu-ray. I have to walk away. Just...walk away.

The Crown Jewel Of Cravats

2011-04-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

Bravo, Brian Williams! With the acquisition of this cravat, you have restored my Fashion Faith. This tie had rich texture, colour, style, and elegance. The blue was mysterious and slightly smoky; the narrow white stripes were further inlaid with a wistful, paler shade of the field color. The moment I saw it, I immediately thought of this.

Purple Misery

2011-04-12T20:33:00.000-04:00

SPT. This tie is becoming painful to behold. Its condition is, to be kind, pitiable. To continue to wear it on air is, to be tactful, regrettable. This cravat is best put out of its misery so as to put us out of ours.