Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My Sacrifice Goes Unrewarded Yet Again, But As A Professional Public Educator And BW Cravat Enthusiast, I Am Used To It

*March goes out like a...Typical Brian Williams Tie, really. There is no metaphor here, Report Readers, because it's another Striper, and it's complicated by the fact that I had to view it on the computer screen, being held Hostage By Parent Conferences as I was during the Nightly broadcast. I am unable, therefore, to completely discern whether the stripes betwixt the soft gold were jet or deepest navy (The Williams Standby Colour). In any case, the knot was lovely, the tie was très sophistiqué, but was that shirt really pale blue encore?

Je n'espère pas....

Monday, March 30, 2009

This Tie Just Isn't Doing It For Me, I'm Afraid

Tonight, Brian Williams dons a very pleasant, very unremarkable tie of sky blue silk with narrow stripes--widely spaced--of navy. Oh, it's pleasant and breezy and springlike, to be sure. It's the kind of tie that Grandma would say, "Oh, now there's a nice tie to wear with your blue suit for Easter service!", or a tired wife might grab on her way out of Macy's and think, "This tie will be fine with that blue sportcoat and pale blue shirt for Angela's wedding." It's not edgy or avant garde, but it won't be a punch line at Christopher's bar mitzvah, either.

Friday, March 27, 2009

A Vintage Series Cravat Returns, And So Do I, To Bygone Days Via Corner Store Confections

When I was a little kid, I used to walk three blocks to Czuba's corner market, plunk down my nickel and buy penny candy. I'd choose from Smarties, Nik-l-Nips, wax lips, those long strips of paper with candy dots on them, jawbreakers, Pixi Stix, and a bunch of other cheap delights. Brian's tie tonight--a Vintage Series favorite too long absent--reminded me of those long ago days, with its stripes of coin silver and licorice whip red.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Brian Says It With A Solid Matte Silk

Ah, Spring! You have arrived, and readers of The Report can be certain of it, for Brian's tie is your Harbinger. This cravat is like looking at a bouquet of the season's signature blossoms--fragrant starlike hyacinths, stately crowned irises, and the frosty stripe of the precocious crocuses all share this lovely shade of lavender blue.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

In Which The Report Takes A Rather Sudden Yet Meaningful Jaunt Down Memory Lane, But It's All Relevant, So Stay With Me

About 30 years ago, my mother inexplicably began gathering dried things like milkweed pods and cattails and sprigs of money tree and eucalyptus and then, after arranging them somewhat artfully, spraypainted the whole thing silver or gold and set it on the coffee table or gave it to friends as a gift. All of which is to say that tonight, Brian Williams' tie is sort of like an arrangement of Cheerios--spraypainted silver--all carefully lined up in rows upon a cornflower blue something or other. And what was with that knot?

(My mother's Spraypainted Dried Things Period was mercifully short, by the way.)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Because The News Is Nothing To Joke About

Tonight Brian knots up a very statesmanlike cravat from the Conservative Collection at The Nightly. Its deep suitcoat navy field is crossed with ruby stripes bordered with still narrower stripes of pearly white. It is a staid tie, a serious tie, a sort of harrumphing bit of neckwear fashion, much like a senior butler who would lift one eyebrow--very subtly yet meaningfully--at the Young Master who might reach for his water goblet before the Mister of the Manor had completed the toast.

Monday, March 23, 2009

He's Back...And So Is A Dose Of The Usual

After a hiatus in this Month of New Ties, Brian Williams has returned wearing a plethora of Neckwear Hallmarks familiar to Nightly viewers: stripes, navy blue, yellow, tight four-in-hand, and generous cut. This cravat, however, is one that The Report has taken a while to bestow approval upon. Its stripes are voluptuously wide, its navy deep to the point of being almost-black, and its yellow the color of whipped butter cake batter. It's a bold fashion statement that is curiously formal looking, yet oddly evocative of this.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Wearin' O' The Green Is Wearin' Out Me Apostrophe Allotment (But A Wee Rest From Purple Is Worth It, Sure!)

In a reprise of last year's stunning St. Patrick's Debut, Brian Williams once again dons his First Ever Green Tie, the stripe of forest green and true blue matte silk. Almost as stunning, it evokes not only the memory of the cover of my old elementary school science book, which showed Earth from space circa 1969, but also this Google Earth image. Ah! Le temps marche en avant!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Let Me Eat Cake. Please!

Debut Tie. After a long weekend Brian knots up yet another new cravat! This one is an oxblood Ivy Leaguer with widely spaced, narrow stripes of pearlescent white shot through with a thread of the darker color. All I could think about as I carefully analyzed that tie was a slice of dark chocolate red velvet cake with glossy whipped white frosting, and pretty soon I was settling for graham crackers and this. Not the same; not even close.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Aside From The Health Benefits, Embracing A New Colour Palette Can Be Exciting

Debut Tie. In a departure from his Usual Palette, Brian knots up a fashionable cravat of grey and muted coral stripes, certainly the Style Twin of Monday's offering. This tie immediately brings to mind a perfectly broiled salmon fillet, skin still on, flesh temptingly colorful.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Plant Tongue Firmly In Cheek; Read In Best BW Voice

"Tonight we debut a new series here on NBC Nightly News called Recession Is the Mother of Invention and we kick it off with a visit to Netarts, Oregon, and Farkas Tait, who owns a small dry cleaner shop on Main Street in this village of less than 1000 residents. Farkas, in addition to the usual cleaning, does tailoring and mending, and this recession has been more boom than bust for him. Because you see, Farkas can not only alter a man's suitcoat, but use the leftover scraps to make a matching tie! I sent along this jacket I'm wearing tonight--one that I used to wear around the newsroom back in the eighties--and not only did Farkas remake this indigo broadcloth into a stylish coat I'm proud to wear in the new millennium, but he also made this tie as well. As you can see, there are no visible seams anyplace, and it matches perfectly. Well done, Farkas Tait, and look out Jos. A. Bank!"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Grim Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a Sad Ugly Tie of ultramarine blue with narrow sky blue stripes and still narrower pale blue stripes of a yet another shade even more incompatible with the ultramarine blue. "Oh, crap," SUT sighed. "I am so hideously unsightly that no one, not ever, will want to wear me around his neck. My shades of blue do not match even each other, let alone a suit of any decent level of taste or style. I will probably end up in a Dollar Store or on the neck of some inbred at a Halloween party catered by Bud Light and Pork Rinds R Us." Just then, America's Most Trusted Voice In News reached for him, and he lived happily ever after. The End.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Writing The Report Was Far Easier Than Trying To Come Up With A Good Title...Forgive Me; I've Been Ill

Debut Tie. Brian has definitely chosen grey and blue as his Alternate Signature Palette this season. This cravat pairs a heathery grey with a soft sky blue in the familiar striped template. There's something very comforting and cuddly about this cravat, like wearing your boyfriend's big sweatshirt over your flannel pj pants, or grabbing your grandpa's old jacket out of the summer cottage closet and tossing it on over your shorts to sit out on a cool, starry night to roast marshmallows on the hibachi.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Classically Conservative/Award Winning (Depending Upon Your Frame Of Reference; I Think There's A Pun There)

* Brian channels his Ward Cleaver/Mr. Rogers personae and dons a Very Conservative Tie this evening. Very stripey, very narrow, and very traditional as far as I can tell this morning via my monitor and the not-so-sharp webcast, I have to confess. But as far as I can tell, it is a somber mix of wide burgundy stripes crossed by twin diagonals of white bordered by the classic deep navy. Partnered as it was with crisp white shirt and navy jacket, Bri looked like he was fresh from the set of Mad Men or Revolutionary Road.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Sometimes, Bad Things Happen To Good Ties

Normally The Report favors this Purple Cravat, a matte silk of deep lilac with an almost frosty hue. With one glimpse, we can be transported to the bountiful lavender fields of Provence and see not only the gorgeous blossoms themselves, but the silvery fronds of the herb's fragrant foliage as picturesquely scarved or bonneted women gather it in wide wicker baskets. Tonight, however, the image is marred somewhat by a devastatingly off-centre dimple deep enough to be a crater left by a tragic tractor mishap. Alors!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Report And Its French Are Conquered By The Purple Army

The Respite From Purple And Stripes is over, dear ones. Quel dommage, c'est vrai. For tonight, Brian knots up his cravat of creamy violet matte silk with burnished gold stripes. Was the knot centred and finely controlled? Mais oui! Was the fabric acceptably rich? Absolument! Was it reminiscent of luxurious...oh merde! Je suis fatiguee et sans inspiration! The Purples And Stripes are victorious. Bon soir.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Wherein I Predict The Ravages Of A Repeat Cycle, Should It Perpetuate

Since its successful debut on 3 February, Brian has put this tie into a heavy rotation, wearing it again on 18 February, and again tonight. If he's not cautious, we will become aweary of its somber charcoal bands crossed by whispery blue satin. Instead of positive associations with antebellum beauties and sexy librarians, we'll be thinking instead of a blue-eyed "heroin chic" model's kohl-smudged stare.

Monday, March 2, 2009

In Which Everything Old Is New Again, Or, Perhaps, The Other Way Around

The Picnic Tie goes a bit upscale tonight in this storm blue and pale slate version of its Axis of Evil cousin. From a long shot, this cravat looks a bit like placid gingham, but thanks to the ever-so obliging Nightly cameraperson, I practically OD'd on tight closeups and discovered that the pattern was instead row upon row of--what to call them? a neologism is required here, I think--*obloids. Up close, they were reminiscent of that scene in old movies when a character, at night, is standing in front of the bluish glow of a mass of Philco television screens in the old appliance store window watching some momentous news event. There they were, obloid, bluish, and arrayed in front of me, and I had to watch...I just had to.

*obloid--(adj. or n.) 1. oblong, but with rounded edges. 2. a shape with these characteristics.